Nicole “Snooki” Palazzo has finally gotten the recognition she deserves, and she got it about seven years quicker than Lindsay Lohan. Developing reports say Snooki was arrested this afternoon in Seaside Heights, New Jersey, for “disorderly conduct.” This isn’t quite as good as getting arrested for abetting the existence of Jersey Shore, since the police could have rounded up the rest of the cast and cleaned out MTV’s executive suites for good measure. But it’s almost as good, since “disorderly conduct” is practically synonymous with doing the job for which MTV’s paying her the big bucks. The details (via TMZ) are still a little sketchy:
The gossip website further reports that Snooki was seen near the beach at Seaside drinking what was believed to be Coca-cola from a beer funnel. Additionally, she was earlier spotted doing shots at a local bar.
I’m not sure which audience MTV is writing this for, but TMZ makes it clear that the “beer funnel” was what normal humans call a beer bong, and the “”shots” in question were actually body shots. (Whether Snooki was giving or receiving the body shots is both unclear and irrelevant, since either way I think I just quit drinking for the next few years.) Precisely how this arrest will affect the show’s future is unclear, but if Snooki’s legal troubles will derail the series then I’m in favor of giving her a long jail sentence and some kind of public service medal when she gets out.
The Paul Rudd Career Assessment is now available for your reading pleasure. Knock yourselves out.
Update: Link corrected.
So, you’ve probably already seen that Black Swan still in which Natalie Portman looks like Ace Frehley in a tutu. Well, a few more stills have surfaced, and now she looks like the unholy mating of Ace Frehley and Edward Cullen, thanks to those freaky amber-coloured contact lenses, which are the same hue as those of Stephenie Meyer’s vegetarian vampires in Twilight. So much for the “edgy” prima ballerina that Portman allegedly portrays in this movie, eh?
However, this sort of disappointment for such a pseudo-controversial Portman character is nothing new. Remember her “stripper” character in Closer? Even next to the steamy-as-hell Clive Owen, Portman couldn’t pull off a sexual vibe, according to Brian Prisco: “[I]nstead of the steamy Lolita finally ripened, she came off looking like that little pink haired girl from Nick Jr.”
The man has a point. Still, I don’t have anything against Natalie Portman (and even keep rooting for her even though she’s betrayed her early promise in Beautiful Girls), but I do think she’s moved into a career phase that would best be described as “vaguely overrated.” More Cullen-esque prima ballerina below:
Mystery Ass: What a great bikini model. (WWTDD)
Tara Reid is still drunk & falling over in France. (CS)
Carla Bruni needs 35 takes to film scene w/out dialogue. Luckily, Woody Allen can’t get mad at hot chicks. (CB)
Jon Hamm As Superman?: Get out of my Fortress of Solitude, you whore. (Pajiba)
Larry King vs. Oedipus: Who’s more ancient? (lolebrity)
Kristen Stewart: Big on strip teases/lap dances. (POTP)
Ryan Phillipe with his fly hanging open. (AG)
Zac Efron blows $2K on strippers to promose film. (GB)
Katy Perry & Van Halen: Damn, that’s sacrilege! (PB)
Timberlake & Harrelson are penis pumpers? (SOMG)
10 Collossal Celebrity Wipeouts: Famous people fall. Hilarity ensues. (LG)
American Idol has been in a ratings tailspin for a few years now, and with both Paula and now Simon Cowell out of the picture, there’s no longer any reason for a sane human being to watch the show. (Of course, you might be watching for the musical performances, in which case… well, there’s really nothing more to say.) The show’s producers think bold steps need to be taken to restore AI’s popularity, which is why they’re talking with the only person who combines Paula’s drug-addled dementia with Simon’s suave, easy-going charm, all wrapped up in one sexy package. I’m talking, of course, about Courtney Love Cobain. Courtney’s record of fostering pop music talent is, shall we say, ambiguous, but she’s not the most random name on the list of potential judges. Here are a few other possibilities:
Other rumored candidates have included: singer Jessica Simpson, radio shock jock Howard Stern, Bret Michaels, Chris Isaak, Elton John and Justin Timberlake.
The technical term for this rigorous selection process is “flailing.” In other words, the producers know they’ve got a dying franchise on their hands (I give it two more years), and they’re grasping at straws looking for something, anything, to revive the beast. Courtney won’t do the job, but I’m all in favor of adding her to the judges’ panel. It will make the inevitable trainwreck vastly more entertaining.
Darlings, our wondrous leader has deigned to write a “Dear Gwyneth” set of questions and answers for us helpless pedestrians, who cannot possibly choose our own consumer products and require the advice of a pedigreed expert. Unfortunately, she never answered the “Why are you such an insufferable bitch?” question (which was actually sent to her by a certain troublemaker), so we’re basically going to ignore most of the shit that she did answer. However, this tidbit was of interest:
Q:“GOOP often has contributions from professionals in their field, other celebrities, as well as highlights of certain restaurants and stores in a city. How do you pick which specific people or places to include – are they truly favorites hand-picked by Gwyneth or are some of them paid advertisements or something else?”
A:Everything on this website is authentically recommended by me, whether it be something I absolutely love, something that was recommended to me by a trusted friend or something I’m planning to try. All the content is tried and tested by me or a GOOP certified source, and of course, nothing here is an advertisement.
Now, you might be wondering what exactly qualifies “a GOOP certified source” to maintain the GOOP-mandated sense of integrity? Well, we’re not about to put words in Gwynnie’s mouth (enough crap comes out of there in the first place), but anyone who reads GOOP would probably agree on this partial list of GOOP-approved geniuses: the divine Deepak Chopra; the stupefying Sting (and his spectacular wife, Trudie Styler); the breathtaking Beyonce (with a “Yo!” shoutout to Jay-Z); the stupefying William Joel; the extraordinary Christy Turlington; the pint-sized Tracy Anderson; and basically anyone who has enough sense to perform a seasonal cleansing process to “nourish the inner aspect.” Also, toilet paper salesmen because, well, one can never know enough of those incredible creatures!
Now, I’m certainly not against the use of a pacifier for an infant or toddler child, but I do draw the line at adult use such as that exhibited here by Katie Price and ex-husband Peter Andre. If the adults can’t stop acting like babies, what hope is there for young Princess Tiaamii to ever develop into a healthy, normal type? It’s bad enough when her parents once allowed her to suck on a rhinestone-encrusted & lead-infested pacifier of her own. One must also consider that Price is the sort of mother who makes up her 2-year old to look like Jon Benet Ramsey for a “glamour shot.” In other words, this poor girl is so screwed.
Imagery: Daily Mail & X17
Mystery Ass: Hey, they can’t all be top shelf. (CS)
Angelina Jolie’s stylist might be smoking crack. (CB)
Snoop Dogg, quite literally, has no sense of shame. (SOMG)
Victoria’s Secret Model De Jour is reportedly pregnant. (POTP)
The Megan Fox Ass Fund: Such a noble cause. (AG)
Did Levi Johnston knock someone else up too? (GB)
10 Classic Films That Overly Judgmental People Will Cut You For Hating: Damn pretentious hipsters! (PJ)
Nick Nolte cleans up; but he’s still Nick Nolte. (PB)
Cristiano Ronaldo: A hot man when we need one. (Yeeeah!)
11 Ugly Pairs Of Celebrity Feet: Some nasty tootsies. (CN)
Taylor Momsen still affects me like extremely smudgy fingernails on a chalkboard, but there’s no denying that she and her band, the Pretty Reckless, are having a decent run. Their debut single hit #16 on the UK charts, they did a well received tour as the opening act for the Veronicas (and are currently part of the 2010 Warped Tour), and their first album comes out next month. The band has revealed the artwork for that album, and it’s not half shabby. Let’s just tuck it under the cut to heighten the suspense, shall we?
(Awesome cover art on next page):
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Well, so much for Mr. Get-Yo-Freak-On, a.k.a. “Mr. Old Spice”, who’s about to become Mr. Pathetic Fake Relationship Guy. It seems that Jennifer “Romcom” Aniston is a fan of the suddenly notorious Old Spice commercials; now, she’s recruited that set of abs (along with owner Isaiah Mustafa) to appear alongside her in Horrible Bosses (a movie that also includes her co-star from The Baster The Switch, Jason Bateman). According to an interview with THR, Mustafa will no longer be the spokesman for Old Spice, but his career still focuses entirely on his bod:
THR: Do you follow a special diet or workout to keep yourself in shape?
Mustafa: I’ve been doing Tony Horton’s DVD sets for three years. Right now, I’m vegan-cleansing: no processed sugar, no caffeine, no alcohol, no animal products and no gluten. I never knew what gluten was before. Now I know exactly what it is, and it’s everything I want!
THR: Be honest, do you compare yourself to the Situation?
Mustafa: No, please. The Situation is the best thing in the world. Who names himself the Situation If only the Old Spice Guy would have thought of that one. How outrageous is it? I do not take myself seriously like that — not in the least bit — that would be so pretentious.
This guy’s sarcasm doesn’t translate too well on the page, does it? Honestly, I can’t tell if he’s truly bashing Jersey Shore‘s resident set of abs or delivering some sort of backhanded compliment, but I’m fairly certain that — regardless of the meaning of his words — he’s still speaking in the voice of Mr. Old Spice. Undoubtedly, that voice shall certainly come in handy while playing the role of a buff law enforcement officer in that Aniston movie too.
