ANTM: Seriously, what is this crap? (IBBB)

Snoop Dogg’s soap opera debut of “Fo shizzle.” (CS)

Matt Damon wipes away the sexy. No!!! (CB)

How To: Explain a Madonna concert to kids. (Ayyyy!)

Bai Ling and her nipples are uncontrollable. (TB)

Celebrity Cellulite: Ample asses galore. (PB)

Robert Downey Jr. at the tender age of five. (SOMG)

Sarah Jessica Parker tries to distance herself from herself. (GG)

Eva Mendes (NSFW) might be sorta kinda sexy. (DR)

Heidi Klum is tactless yet charming. (HO)

Josh Motherfucking Brolin is George W. Bush, y’all. (WIMB)

Vince Vaughn & Owen Wilson: Rejected by a beautiful baby! (POTP)

If Gwyneth The Terrible could star in a film adaptation of Jane Austin’s Emma, why does Ellen Page get crap as the lead in the film version of Charlotte Brontë’s Jane Eyre? (GB)

So, after I admitted my fading resistance to all things John Mayer, I also sort of realized that his music career isn’t merely a tabloid construct. Indeed, Mayer is actually a very good singer and guitarist, which is especially notable considering his douchebag status. Earlier today, I stumbled across a short film called, “Makin’ Music With John Mayer.” In the short, which was co-produced by Judd Apatow and Conan O’Brien, John spoofs the cliché of the artist who no longer wants for anything and has therefore lost his artistic edge:

Having not been inspired since 2004, I’ve established an idea room.

One of John’s employees tosses out song ideas, one of which is the classic boy-meets-girl / boy-loses-girl / boy-filled-with-regret storyline. His ideas are quickly shot down:

If I can’t get the girl, then why don’t I just tell her I’m John Mayer? How about something that everyone can relate to, like, when you’re fucking one supermodel and make the other ones jealous?

A few other highlights of the video include the employee hired only to do drugs and communicate his angst to John, who tells the guy to snort faster, which will, ideally, produce some song inspiration. Then there’s this little gem:

Have all the chords in music been found? Most people say yes. I say, “Not so fast, asshole.”

Catch the amusing short film below. Also present is a new PSA by John in full-on dork mode:

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Kermit always struck me as one of the more emo characters on a fairly emo children’s TV show, a quality I attributed to lingering Seventies damage and PBS funding. However, I might have been wrong about that. On his MySpace page, Kermit explains:

Soon after the death of Jim Henson, Sad Kermit spiraled downward into a life full of addiction, romance and pain. The songs and videos on this webpage shed light on Sad Kermit’s descent into his dark, hurting world.

Kermit’s page includes videos for several of his songs, and man, are they depressing. I’d seen his performance of Trent Reznor’s “Hurt” and thought it was surprisingly good, but wait ‘til you see Kermit sing Elliot Smith’s “Needle in the Hay,” complete with a re-enactment of the suicide scene from The Royal Tenenbaums. It’s beginning to look as if Kermit’s big problem with Sesame Street might be that the show isn’t nearly emo enough.

(Via Buzzfeed.)

AB: Dude, if for some reason I disappear….
just know that the Scientologists did it.

Flea: Now wondering if there is a Scientology Hostel.

AB: Yes. They drill the thetans out of your body.

Flea: Damn thetans! And then you get a tattoo of L. Ron Hubbard’s face.

AB: Hahahaaaaa! Nooooo. Don’t point that e-meter at me! Hey, this isn’t funny anymore….

To Be Continued.

Those of us whose formative childhood memories include snake pits and being chased by giant stone spheres have been awaiting the release of Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull with a mixture of anticipation and dread. Would the new movie make us feel like the excited 10-year-olds we were back when we first met Indy? Or would George Lucas exercise his awesome talent for sodomizing his own franchises and give us some earthly version of Jar Jar Binks?

Well, an operative for AICN has seen a sneak preview of the movie, and the news ain’t good. This guy obviously learned his grammar, syntax, and keyboard skills from Courtney Love, but the message is clear: Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull pulses with all the energy and excitement of a Fred Thompson presidential bid. Worse yet, he claims that the special effects are cheesy and inept, and for the last ten years special effects have been the only thing George Lucas was any good at. Well, rats. Guess I’ll be re-seeing Iron Man and trying to ignore the Indy trailer at the beginning.

Michelle Monaghan looks fantastic when she’s not in a crappy romcom movie. (UMC)

Madonna: Can’t the old bitch learn new tricks? (CS)

Star Jones vs. Barbara Walters: Catfight! (CB)

Clint Eastwood has a death wish for Dirty Harry. (GB)

Chris Brown’s Sexy: Marred by bad posture! (POTP)

Olsen Twin Porn: Mary Kate & Ashley indulge. (CR)

Short & Sweet: Tom Cruise gets it his way. (KIsP)

Harriet Carter & the Failure Model Chick. (IBBB)

Amy Winehouse got arrested for the second time in two weeks. (SOMG)

Kelly Osbourne walks into a wall — because being rich, spoiled, & sober is boring. (PB)

An Age Old Dilemma: Hike up the skirt or strap down the boobs? (Ayyyy!)

Pete Doherty: Acoustic guitar with wildflowers during the Kate Moss days. (DD)

Ravenous: I’ve been known to toy with a squeamish audience by casually using the words “man chowder,” but “man-stew”? That’s just gross. (Pajiba)

Snoop Dogg Sings in German

Snoop Dogg’s paw prints are everywhere lately. When he’s not doing exciting things like freaking everyone’s shit out at the CMT Music Awards, he’s been guest-starring on daytime soap “One Life to Live” (thanx to GroovyVic), chilling with Willie Nelson in Amsterdam, and making recent strides to win a visa battle and gain re-entry to the U.K.. Unfortunately, not everything Snoop touches turns to gold, for he’s reportedly been in the studio with Lindsay Lohan to help her with Plan B when her acting career finally implodes. Alas, word on the street is that Lohan’s new music sucks pretty hard no matter who helps her out. Too bad.

If Snoop runs fast enough, he might just maintain his lucrative career and make a few more bizarre German commercials like the above video, in which he sings in German as an homage to singer Roy Black. Fo shizzle.

It certainly won’t surprise anyone to learn that I have an abundance of Doherty information to share. However, some bits still require a wee bit of research & verification, so look for more junkie-related goodness to come. On with the show, mates!

Yesterday morning, when Pete Doherty walked out of Wormwood Scrubs prison, waving a medical certificate for testing clean of drugs, he told NME.com exclusively, “I feel great – I’ve walked out and I don’t feel like I want to score,” he added. “I feel like I want to go for a nice walk in the park instead.” And, that, mates, is exactly what Doherty did:

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