6. Children of the Corn (1984): Stephen King is a bloody fucking genius, and his novel comes to terrifying life in this film, set in a small Nebraskan town. A children’s corn-cult, which worships “He Who Walks Behind the Rows,” is led by two malevolent kids named Malachai and Isaac, who lead the town’s children in killing all of the adults in a most disgusting manner. When a couple, Burt and Vicky, pass through town, they are captured and Vicky is readied for ritual sacrifice that evening along with another few victims. The screams of those who are sacrificed are almost unbearable, and, the crucifixion scenes are still seared into my own childhood memory. Although Vicky is saved by Burt, plenty of frightening moments remain before a Molotov cocktail and a trashed sprinkler system can destroy the film’s hellish, demonic beast. Harsh yet effective.

7. Brain Waves (1983): Now, here’s an embarrassing admission, for this idiotic film seriously worked me over as a child. Hell, I couldn’t eat grilled cheese or peanut butter for about a year. Long story. Anyway, this one is about an accident victim who ends up in a coma, and her doctors wake her up with an “experimental” procedure. This makes no fucking sense, but the doctors use the neural patterns of another dead woman to stimulate Coma Lady’s brain. Oh sure, she wakes up, but, now, Coma Lady basically has the brain of Recently Dead woman. Of course, Coma Lady is forced to relive the memories of the last day of Recently Dead woman, who was murderously electrocuted in the bathtub. Eventually, the brain of Recently Dead woman begins to control Coma Lady, who is compelled to seek revenge for the murder. So. Damn. Lame.

8. The Ring (2002): Yes, I made the mistake of watching this one on VHS tape, despite what I already knew about the story. Naomi Watts somehow manages to crossover as a great horror heroine much better than most mainstream actresses. This the only J-Horror films that actually succeeds as an American remake. The ending was anticlimactic, with an incredibly lame-ass “cure” for those cursed by watching the video tape. What, if you help perpetuate the video by replicating it (not quite like a virus, but sorta), then the evil little girl lets you live? I don’t think so. Anyway, for about a week after watching this film, I had to keep my television turned on most of the time because I was afraid that it would pop on all by itself and evil girl would climb out of the television. Sometimes, if a television was off, I would just run very quickly out of the room and yell for someone else to turn it on. Yeah, I’m saying too much here.

9. April Fool’s Day (1986): Evidently, this is one of the stupidest films to have ever been made. At least, that’s what I’ve been told by several people, but I honestly wouldn’t know if they’re fucking with me or not, because the first half hour freaked my shit out so bad that I never even watched the rest of the film. Just that first part was enough to give me nightmares for an entire summer, and I cannot even discuss the reasons for this for fear of scaring myself again. To briefly summarize the plot, a group of teenagers heads towards a weekend of righteous partying at the island getaway home of some heiress. This is despite the fact that nobody seems to know jack shit about this heiress, and, ooh, big surprise when everyone starts dying all over the place. Like I said before, the details of this film evade me. Don’t even ask!

10. Creepshow (1982): Dammit, here’s another one from the warped-ass mind of Stephen King. In retrospect, this horror anthology, directed by George Romero, comes off pretty fucking cheesy these days and is pretty amusing to watch for its retro genre kitchiness. Yes, at one point, I found that soprano-voiced skeleton dude pretty scary, and these five “Jolting Tales of Horror” also once did a number on my young, impressionable mind. In particular, “Something to Tide You Over” was a tale that still causes me to shudder just a bit every time that Leslie Nielsen appears within any context. Holy crap, his sadistic character buried his wife and her lover in watery graves and somehow rigged up television sets so that they could watch each other die. Eeeeeeek! Indeed, Leslie Nielson is one creepy motherfucker.

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