As audiences grow weary of the current wave of headache-inducing 3-D movies, the movement still persists. Hell, just a few moments ago, Vodkapundit declared, “Bring on the 3D, baby, and make it pop,” but — seriously — I don’t think he means what we think he means.

Regardless, this makes a fitting introduction to the inevitable trend of 3-D porn flicks, an ill-advised phenomenon that resembles a perverted Space Race of sorts. It seems that auteurs in Europe, Asia, and the U.S. are all racing to complete the world’s “first ever” 3-D porn film. At present, Italian director Tinto Brass (is that his real name?) has been working on a 3-D remake of (his 1979 flick) Caligula while Hustler chips away at an X-rated version of Avatar. Meanwhile, Hong Kong director Christopher Sun declares that 3-D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy shall be ready for a May 2011 release, and producer Stephen Shiu has some disturbingly deluded details to add:

CNNGo: What do you think makes a good porn?

Shiu: The script is really important, the sex scenes have to be spectacular too, they have to turn people on. To achieve this, there must be emotions behind the sex, the plot must be full of touching moments, and the audience really have to get into the plot, then the story will turn you on.

CNNGo: So in “Zen and Sex,” which are the scenes which will use 3D effects?

Shiu: Well, it will be used to express the sex scenes fully and it will add tension to the scenes. Let’s put it this way, things will certainly pop out of the screen at the right moment. Haha. Just come along to the show and find out for yourself.

Shiu also adds that investors are already lining up for the unthinkably obnoxious concept of a 4-D version of Zen and Sex, but let’s not get carried away with ourselves, shall we? As always, the devil is always in the Details, as a certain men’s magazine recalls prior 3-D cinematic jaunts into skinville:

3-D pornography is nothing new. In 1969, a 3-D feature called The Stewardesses became an unexpected commercial hit, outgrossing many Hollywood studio films at the time. The fad continued through the mid-seventies, with 3-D blue movies like Disco Dolls in Hot Skin and The Starlets, which were usually more silly than erotic, unless you enjoyed watching an actor shoot a gigantic sperm projectile directly at you. 3-D was eventually abandoned by the adult industry, partly because the technology was so primitive and headache-inducing and partly because porn hounds began caring less about production values when they were able to get their smut in the relative privacy of a video store, rather than at a public theater.

Bill Margold, an actor who starred in several 3-D adult films during the seventies, doesn’t think 3-D deserves to make a comeback. “I don’t want to see a pop shot in my face unless it’s my own,” he says, laughing. “And looking at a vagina in 3-D? I’d sooner go to the Grand Canyon! At least there I’ll get some fresh air.”

The man has a point, and while the technology is certainly better these days, there’s just no way around the fact that porn is mostly an at-home pasttime. And once again, nothing could possibly be cooler than getting caught whacking it to a porn flick than, well, getting caught whacking it to a porn flick while wearing a pair of damn 3-D glasses. Bottoms up!

See Also: Hefner’s 3-D issue of Playboy