Generally I welcome the vernal equinox, which represents more daylight hours, a renewal of life, global warming kicking into high gear, and stuff like that. But this year my pleasure in the arrival of spring has been diminished—greatly diminished—by learning that today is also Rosie O’Donnell’s birthday. The Queen of the Short Bus turns 45 today, which means that even by biblical standards we can expect another 25 years of relentlessly shrill, moronic bids for attention from a woman whose popularity is even more mystifying than Paris Hilton’s. Of course, medical science might keep her around for many decades past her appointed span. And even without medical science, that quarter-century is going to seem a lot longer.

So—a moment of silence, everybody, as we observe this unfortunate occasion. Because Lord knows a moment of silence is more than we’re ever going to get from her.

UPDATE: According to Mike Walker at National Enquirer, Rosie wants to leave The View and Baba Wawa is in whole-hearted agreement. Unfortunately, her obnoxious on-air hijinks have been drawing viewers like flies to a fresh cowflop. So Rosie’s agreed to stick around for one more year at the cacklefest. In return, starting in fall 2008 she gets to develop her own half-hour sitcom. Nice birthday present, Rosie. But I’ll be up for a birthday in fall ’08 when you finally leave The View, and your departure will be a much appreciated gift.