That is, if by “born” you mean “synthesized in a vat.” Slow news day, but The Onion comes through with some nifty ersatz news by showing how the next group of Disney child stars is created, and it turns out the process has very little to do with candlelight dinners, mood music, and romantic coupling after a tad too much wine. Instead, we learn that the genetic engineers at Disneylab have learned to use minor physical variations on five basic personality types to produce an endless procession of singing, dancing, showbiz machines. The engineers are commendably modest about some of their products—Zac Efron, for instance:

Actually, I think we could have done a better job with Zac. He could show more human tendencies, and if you look closely you’ll notice there’s a certain deadness around the eyes.”

The scientists also promise that more advanced models will be capable of nuance and subtlety, which bodes well for the future. Maybe High School Musical 12: The Thirtysomething Years will actually be worth watching.