At times I think Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi lies awake at night thinking up ways to irritate people. The voice, the hair, the clothes, the general Snooki-ness, were all bad enough when they were confined to the Jersey-Brookyn axis, but at least they didn’t impinge on most people’s awareness. Then MTV put Snooki on television, and she became ubiquitous. Not to mention filthy rich. And now she’s about to become a published author–writing a novel, no less, called (*shudder*) A Shore Thing. This, my friends, is the last straw.

It will be sort of interesting to see how this works. By her own admission, Snooki has read maybe two novels: Dear John by Nicholas Sparks, and (bits and pieces of) Twilight. Lucky for Snooki she’s got a collaborator to help her turn this nightmare into a reality. Back in the good old days, didn’t the French shave the heads of collaborators whenever they caught one?