It took nineteen years, but Vanilla Ice is finally apologizing for his brief, spectacularly annoying musical career. We’ll probably hear something similar from KFed around 2035, once you factor in KFed’s extra baggage of shamelessness and general dumbassery. At any rate, Vanilla steps up to the plate and apologizes for everything—the hair, the fake bio, stolen bass lines, all of it. Sure, he wiggles around a little at the end—“I was manipulated… I was a puppet”—but by and large it sounds pretty sincere.

It’s not, of course. Vanilla—his real name is Rob van Winkle, but that sounds even stupider—is getting paid for this shtick, as part of a viral marketing campaign by Virgin Mobile Australia. In other words, he’s apologizing to Australians, when it’s Americans who felt the shame of seeing their popular culture become this douchebag’s willing bitch. Where’s an apology for the northern hemisphere, Mr. van Winkle? For that matter, I might hold out for a personal apology delivered one-on-one. Drop by and see me, Vanilla. I’ll talk about accepting your apology after you finish steam cleaning my carpets.