Dearest Tara,
Oh how I feel for you, in your recent long-running battle against the media treating you like a falling-down celebrity “drunk, slutty, troublemaker.” If you attend an MTV Party that is promoted to air on television and get totally trashed, not to mention passing out and falling down in several Manhattan hotspots…well, people will think you’re drunk, slutty, and a troublemaker.

Tara: “I’m known as this retard… I want to grow up. I don’t want to be the drunk girl. I just want everyone to leave me alone… It’s like I’m in college and you guys won’t let me get my degree.”

Did she say college? The whining continues: “I’m not crazy anymore… Paris seems to be able to move on from situations all the time, why can’t I?”

Actually, Paris doesn’t move on from these things, and we all know she’s a brazen whore. Her secret is that she doesn’t give a shit what people think of her…as long as they are thinking of her.

This new movie of yours, Alone In The Dark, stars you in the role of a “genius scientist.” Did I mention that this is a horror movie, and that your love interest is played by Christian “Gimme Another Hit” Slater? Hmm…it couldn’t hurt to have a Plan B on that one.

So you admit freely your desire and longing to change your image. Well, here is some free advice from someone who knows what it’s like to be slightly misconstrued…and that’s just my dirty mouth talking. You have SO much more to overcome. Let’s make a starter list to help you out:

1. Lose the implants. They look fucking horrible.

2. Do you have a publicist? If so, fire them. NOW. Whatever you’re paying them, it’s not worth what they’re not doing for you.

3. Stop mentioning yourself in the proximity of the following words: Retard, Crazy, Idiot, Drunk Girl, Party Girl, Stupid, and “Paris.” Also avoid saying that you love to party, “but not every night.”

4. Never again manage to be photographed with “Paris.”

5. Stop talking to the press! Recently, you set yourself up by telling the New York Post, “I am a very smart girl, and people don’t realize that.” Upon which, said newsrag titled its article, “Look How Smart I Am!” How could they resist, when you were merely speaking out your ass?

Instead of bragging about how smart you really are, do something to demonstrate it…earn a college degree. In the alternative, if that’s just too much to process, make like Angelina Jolie, and become an international ambassador. Pass out some vitamins, wear some khaki shorts, and take photographs of it all. That might show some humanity lurking behind all that silicone and makeup.

6. If you honestly cannot change your ways, then embrace the slutty party image, make a ton of cash, get a great investment portfolio, and manage to retire before your skin turns to leather. What’s that, you say?

Tara: “People think I am America’s party girl, which is just stupid. I have done 24 movies and I am creating my own TV show.”

Sweetie, Anna Nicole Smith and Ozzy Ozborne have had their own television shows. That doesn’t demonstrate a high IQ by any stretch. As to the twenty-plus movies, when three of them include the American Pie series, and you did National Lampoon’s Van Wilder…perhaps a new genre is in order? Other actresses have had this problem and overcome it, so follow the example of Alyssa Milano and Drew Barrymore…make some indie movies and work your way up. Eventually, Aaron Spelling should call…

7. Now onto your boobage incident..what’s your story?

Tara: “I didn’t see it [the dress] fall down, so I’m smiling like an idiot [insert your own joke here] not even knowning that it’s out there.”

Solution: Double-sided tape. Better solution: Duct Tape.

8. Realize that the media reports the behavior that you actually model.

Tara: (whining again) “The press writes about me so much, and sometimes it hurts me from getting roles. They’re saying, ‘She’s always drinking or she’s doing that’.”

For fuck’s sake, then stop ‘always drinking‘ and ‘doing that.” Whatever ‘that‘ is… How about instead of passing out with your head on restaurant tables…get ‘caught‘ by the photographers whilst sitting in a coffee shop…actually reading a book. Preferably, this involves literature above the reading level of Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret.

Finally, realize that no matter what you do, some people will dislike you. They might even hate you. It is the nature of humanity, unfortunately, and putting yourself in the public domain leaves you wide open for anything. That’s why you make the big bucks to make really shitty movies.

Well, gotta go Tara. Hope that helps a wee bit. Never mind. You just fell over again.