Las Vegas is a tacky, family-friendly town that’s never quite gotten over its origins as a den of gamblers, whores and mobsters. Now, just to prove that the city hasn’t got a clue as to how to go about classing up its image, comes word that Michael Jackson is hoping to build a 50-foot robot replica of himself in the deserts just outside of town. Jacko is thinking about opening a semi-permenent Las Vegas show, a career move that would put him in the ranks of performers like Jumpsuit Elvis, or Siegfried and Roy and their sexually ambiguous tigers. In theory, the robot horrorshow would help to promote this gig. A media consultant described it like this: “It would be in the desert sands. Laser beams would shoot out of it so it would be the first thing people flying in would see.”

Personally, I’ve always thought Jeff Koons’ Michael Jackson and Bubbles was plenty scary enough, without getting all in your face about it. But there’s something to be said for a giant Michael Jackson robot that shoots laser beams, preferably from its eyeballs. When the aliens finally attack, I want this thing on the front lines of our defenses. One look at Robot Jacko and the saucers will say, “Nope, no intelligent life here,” and just turn around and go home.