Always quick on the uptake, Kevin Federline has decided he needs to improve his image. This is akin to locking the barn door after the horse has been stolen, sold on the black market, and converted into Jimmy Dean Sausage and little bottles of glue, but you have to respect the guy for making the attempt. The charm offensive kicked into high gear yesterday when the publicist for FedEx’s divorce lawyer (and you thought your job sucked) released what TMZ called The Dumbest Press Release Ever, informing people that Federline had dinner with his lawyer and various press people, who “treated him with much respect.” (This had to be an improvement over another recent public appearance, when paparazzi asked the rapmaster questions like, “Are you wearing underwear?” and, “Will you be releasing a greatest hits album?”.) The release also mentioned that K-Fed was wearing “a fabulous well-stated sport jacket” and had ditched his gold chains, which probably fetched enough at the pawn shop to pay for a month’s supply of Olde English and Sugar Frosted Flakes.

Last week FedEx started prepping for his makeover by dropping by the Village Vanguard in New York for the launch party of David Matalon and Chris Woolsey’s new book, The Concise Guide to Sounding Smart at Parties. Federline chatted briefly with the authors but then, according to other guests, “He and his buddies went to the bar and pounded Everglo liquor shots for the rest of the night.� Which is less pathetic than it sounds. Alcohol really does make K-Fed smarter, not to mention better looking and generally more charming. Worked on Britney, anyway.