Fat, bald, and married to Posh Spice is no way to go through life, son. Acccording to Mike Walker at the National Enquirer, Victoria isn’t the vainest member of Team Posh & Becks. Beckham feels the end of his soccer career is in sight, and he’s terrified of losing both his athletic chops and his boyish good looks:

He’s constantly telling Vics he fears he’s going bald, or if he spots a hint of paunch on his midsection, he hits the gym for an hour,” chuckled an insider.

Another friend backed this up, saying “David is so vain – he can’t stand the thought of growing into a fat, bald old man.” For her part, Posh feeds David’s paranoia by casually mentioning all the hair caught in the shower drain (and, most likely, commenting on his adorable love handles). My theory is that Tom Cruise is paying her to wage this black ops campaign against the poor guy, because it makes Tom seem damn near likeable by comparison.