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Friday at 9:00 pm (eastern and pacific, I think that means the middle states are screwed) Bear Grylls sets off on six new crazy-assed-vacation-gone-wrong episodes of Man vs. Wild.

This season Bear is headed to the Florida Everglades, Iceland, Mexico’s Copper Canyon, Kimberly Australia, Ecuador and Scotland. I guess those destinations make for interesting viewing, but next year maybe he’ll do something we can all benefit from. I’m going to start pushing the Discover Channel to film next season’s episodes in settings your average vacationer would be likely to encounter.

Episode 1: Bear heads to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina where he encounters a group of natives known as “Rednecks” who are overly protective of their fat girlfriends to insist on wear tub-tops and string bikinis. Bear has to run for his life when he mistakenly harpoons one of the chubbies while planning to demonstrate using the various parts of a whale as survival tools.

Episode 2: Bear heads south to Florida and shows us how to survive at the Disney / MGM / Epcot Complex. He finally breaks down and uses his boxers to hog tie a screaming four-year-old and beats the kids parents to within an inch of their life using a club made from a tube-sock and crushed coke cans. Bear shows us the survival version of Duck confit, Donald hasn’t been heard from since.

Episode 3: Bear heads west to New Orleans, where he finds shelter in homes still vacant due to damage from Hurricane Katrina. Bear encounters many natives there who, amazingly enough show their checticles for stings of beads. Bear flashes his man-boobies and then shows us how to trap wraf-rats using the beads and empty beer cans.

Episode 4: Bear mistakenly calls a Texan a pussy and gets his ass handed to him. The film crew shows us how to perform a tracheotomy using Bear’s knife, duct tape and a straw from a Big Gulp.

Episode 5: Bear heads to Compton, California. Regretfully Bear gets a cap popped in his ass for wearing blue in Bloods territory. This time the film crew shows us how to stop bleeding using common house-hold products. Later in the episode Bear asks for a dinner of grubs and meal worms, tasty!

Episode 6: In the season finally Bear heads to San Francisco, mistakenly during gay pride week. After addressing Rosie O’Donnell as sir one too many times she leads Bear down a dark alley and he’s yet to be heard from.