In 1965, the ominous origins of the Gotti Guido hairstyle are reflected in John Gotti Sr.’s first mugshot at age 24. However, even the Dapper Don himself could have never known that his copious use of Brylcreem would still be all the rage today, relatively speaking. Of course, his three grandsons — John, Carmine, and Frank — take their grooming rituals to an extreme, and, although their mother, Victoria Gotti Agnello, has once again lowered the family mansion’s selling price, no potential buyers have stepped up. Certainly, future homeowners are scared away by the mansion’s state of disrepair as well as backyard, which just happens to be the Long Island Expressway. These negatives don’t even touch the layers of makeup and hair product that are ground into the carpets, ceilings, and air vents of the home, thanks to the sticky residue of the Gotti Guido boys. That extra-hold shit can’t be bulldozed, and neither can the Gotti Guido hairstyle!
In the below exhibits, Carmine shows off his fake tan as well as the notorious mountain of hair product. Next up, Victoria Gotti (with her gawd-awful hair extensions) celebrates with Carmine at his 21st birthday party. For this event, Carmine was gracious enough to cover that shit up, but dude obviously took several hours to place his hat at the proper “jaunty” angle. Finally, we have the youngest Gotti Guido, Frank, who may possess the most understated version of the awful Guido Gotti hairstyle but has clearly made up for his omission by jump starting his arrest record at a very early age. Luckily for his future cellmate, Frank isn’t known as “The Gentle Giant” for nothing, mates:
In light of the above pictorial evidence, I hereby enshrine the Gotti family within Bedhead Hall Of Shame based upon the following, uh, qualifications:
Vogue on that damn Gotti Hair Style:
I don’t see any of these guys able to hold themselves up in a fight, they’d be too worried about their hair… all those hours. It’s like precision razorblade sharpness. You’d bleed if you touched it.
Variety’s review of “Growing Up Gotti”:
As for those aforementioned Gotti Agnello boys (Carmine, John, Frank), it is clear that the current hair-gel epidemic among young men continues unabated. But that’s the least of the crime: Like so many boobousie of the tube, they mistake air-time for fame, loudness for charm, logorrhea for wit. Upcoming entertainment includes birthday tantrums and overnight brawls in Miami. It’s obvious these boys need a mother to protect them from their producer. And they say Victoria Gotti’s dad was a bad guy.
Gotti Boys are Gellin’ Like Magellan:
How do the Gotti boys get that gravity-defying hair? Fans of “Growing Up Gotti” who have been admiring the three sons’ coifs and those who were wondering how they get them need wonder no longer. The mob scions go through three and a half tubes of hair gel every week, according to their mother, Victoria Gotti. “From the way she was describing it, those kids go through hair gel like it’s water,” says the source. “You could fill up a landfill with the Gotti boys’ hair-gel tubes.”
Now, the Gotti Guidos receive this dubious honour that is reserved only for the most atrocious famous hairdos and, generally speaking, those who could afford to do better: Robert Pattinson and his unwashed glory, Donald Trump and his bird of paradise, Brendan Fraser (who is still fucking with us) and his hair plugs of doom, Kate Moss and her errant extensions, Russell Brand and his STD-ridden rat’s nest, Viggo Mortensen and his product problem, & Tom Cruise, whose hair is the least fucked up thing about him.
For future study, the following are recommended: A visual field-spotting handbook called the Guido Guide (thanx to Flea); Guido music by Vinny Boltz; plus, a feature called “Guido of the Week” from GuidoFistPump.com. Seriously. Now, just for fun, a few videos of Guido dance moves are on the next page. See if you can tell the difference: between authentic Guido freestyle and the Guidotastic spoof. Y’alls feelin’ me?
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