Dearest Billy Zane,

What has happened to the yummy Billy Zane, who used to be the ideal male Hollywood hottie and at least slightly patriotic? Oh Billy, when will you actors ever realize that we don’t give a rat’s ass about the thoughts inside your heads. We only see you, Billy Zane, as an overpaid yet dashingly handsome villain in all those big-budget summer scorchers. You Hollywood types just cannot comprehend that the public doesn’t want your ideological bullshit interfering with our entertainment. When we watch our sooper seekrit cache of Tales From The Crypt movies, the thought certainly never crosses our mind that The Collector could possibly give a rat’s ass about comparative politics. Essentially, we just don’t care.

What I’m trying to say is this: Can’t we just keep this a no-strings attached relationship, Billy? Leave your awkward ideology and misguided, semi-political delusions behind and come back to us as you were meant to be - a hottie tottie with a naughty karate body.

Oh, and while I’ve got your attention, Billy, could you manage to spring some nudity into your next film? Preferably of the getting-out-of-the-shower variety, which is generally the most flattering type of male nudity in feature films. Even Kevin Bacon pulled it off before he got all wrinkly, low, and decrepit. Cleanliness is next to hunkiness.