Once upon a celluoid screen, there was an actor named Billy Zane. He starred in overrated blockbuster movies, but that was okay, because he was very, very hot:

Now Billy Zane stars opposite fiance Kelly Brook in Fishtales, which now carries a distinct honour as the Worst Film Ever Shown at the Cannes Film Festival. This title was previously held by Vincent Gallo’s movie, The Brown Bunny, but Fishtales couldn’t even muster up a Chloe Sevigny blowjob scene to achieve a slightly more dignified second place. More than critics reportedly left before film’s end, and the ones who managed to stay suffered painfully throughout.

Billy and Kelly, who are engaged to be married, committed the cardinal showbiz sin of making a film together, which in the past has claimed the scalp of a few high-profile celebrity couples. Like other famous couples, the pair fell into the trap of thinking that acting together would be a great idea. But, as those before them, they got a stinker.

JLo and Ben Affleck did Gigli and later endured a broken engagement. Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman filmed Eyes Wide Shut and divorced soon after. Sean Penn and Madonna did Shanghai Surprise and then divorced. Guy Ritchie and Madonna made Swept Away, and well, it won’t be long. Anyway, let’s see what happened in this crappy film:

Kelly, 27, plays Nereid, a beautiful mermaid, reminiscent of Darryl Hannah in Splash, washed up on a Greek island who makes friends with a little girl. Nereid then falls in love with the girl’s widowed dad, an Oxford professor played by Billy.

So Billy Zane played an Oxford man with (as the critics say) a very bad wig. Oxford, not Cambridge. How very Jay Gatsby of him. To make matters even worse, Billy has really let himself go in manner of Chris Noth:

See also An Unsolicited Letter Of Advice To Billy Zane

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