Remember that huge thing last year? Not Britney’s vagina, but Bono’s Red campaign. It had good intentions. It portrayed a profound and deeply committed purpose. Unfortunately, a swell vibe doesn’t cure third-world AIDS. Neither does an exclusive, all-female $50 million school in Africa. Yet I digress.

Just last year, many believed that “the rise of philanthropic fashionistas decked out in Red T-shirts and iPods” could save all the children in Africa from AIDS, but hey, it looked really good. Christy Turlingon, Chris Rock, Steven Spielberg, and Oprah Winfrey all donated their names to the cause. The promotional jamboree associated with Red (including a special Red room at the Grammy Awards) has sprung upwards of $100 million. With that kind of investment, one would think that the mighty hand of Bono could wield profits. No dice. Worldwide, the money raised thus far is a whopping $18 million. Smooth move, jackass.

Even if the Red campaign were to eventually turn itself around and become a huge success, the long-term effects are largely moot. Instead of inspiring the futcha generations into better citizenry, Red only provides justification to buy really expensive shit and smile while imagining that a few pennies of one’s iPod purchase might someday reach an African child in excruciating pain.

On a related note, Bono’s investment company, Elevation Partners, bought much of Forbes last year and proceeded to strip workers of their hard-earned Forbes pensions. What follows is an excerpt from a very peeved Forbes employee:

So guess what they just did? Canceled the Forbes pension. Right before Christmas! Fuckers . . . Not sure how much money was in the Forbes pension fund but I sure think we employees need/deserve it a little more than Roger and Bono do. More worrisome is what this move seems to say about Forbes’s financial condition.

When I started at Forbes in the 1990s they had a 2-for-1 401k match and a pretty sweet little pension and good health benefits. The health benefits are long gone in favor of some plan that Wal-Mart wouldn’t foist on its employees and the 401k match is down to a quarter for every buck you throw in. Ten years ago Forbes was a pretty cushy gig. Now it’s about as cushy as ass rape. Everybody decent is looking to bail . . . And hey, Bono? Merry Christmas, you faux liberal asshole. Go buy some presents with our pension money. You suck.

That’s nice, but it would have been more PC to substitute “rim job” for “ass rape.” One might wonder though, do those employees really need their pensions when, every day, people in Africa are dying of AIDS?

Source: AdAge