Well, color me astonished. For years, Canadians have insisted that they were nothing at all like Americans; they were, in fact, practically Europeans. Not just because they were fairly relaxed about their own imminent dhimmitude, but in important, superficial ways.
Canadians are slimmer and more sophisticated than the downstairs neighbors. They’re not all God-addled, like some people they could mention, and they regularly engage in the sort of non-reproductive sexual shenanigans for which the American Taliban would throw the likes of you and me in prison. That’s what they told us, and who could doubt anything said in that earnest, lightly-retarded-sounding accent? These people just didn’t sound bright enough to lie.
It turns out the reality is rather different. And getting different-er all the time. Ironically, it seems Canadians really are just like Europeans, although the Euros are more relaxed about it. Degeneration in its many forms is becoming like an old family friend to the Europeans.
In fact, we’re all pretty much alike. Given the choice, we all choose foods that are bad for us and eat more than we should. What’s more, humans tend to be a pretty shiftless bunch. And a lifestyle that’s long on gluttony and sloth makes lust a little problematic, even for the most depraved of us.
I just thank the Lord that I’m not all bloated and torpid and sexually inert, like those Europeans and their Canadian ilk. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to prove my mettle in the annual IronMan Classic Green Beer Binge-’n'-Purge-a-thon. Happy St. Pat’s, everybody.
