The Guardian may be a little shaky as a trustworthy guide to current events, but they’re making excellent use of their penchant for crack-brained conspiracy theories with this article entitled “Bono Tortures Britney Spears with a Voodoo Potato.” Apparently Bono was seen at Cannes over the weekend fondling a spud. This wouldn’t seem to require much explanation; Bono is Irish, after all, so I assume that at any given moment he has several potatoes concealed about his person. But the Guardian suggests that Bono was using the potato to cast some kind of translatlantic Celtic voodoo on Britney Spears, which would at least explain her disaster-rific weekend in Florida.

Look, we all know that Britney’s life has been in a bit of a slump for the last half-decade or so. But even by her standards, a weekend that includes a wardrobe malfunction, a lipsync fumble, and some rant about leather seats is kind of sub-par. After all that, it’s almost understandable that she fell off the wagon. Drinking some vile concoction called a Purple Hooter is a lot less understandable, although I’m told they go well with Cheetohs.

We may never know if Brit was the victim of a string of bad luck,an ancient Celtic curse, or the wrath of an angry God. But I prefer to think that, in his own way, Bono was once again doing the Lord’s work.

(Via Dave Barry’s Blog.)