News Of The World has printed a new Britney saga, but as per their questionable reputation, one can never be too sure of the veracity of the story. Britney reportedly wants to do the unthinkable by getting back together with Kevin Federline and then immediately becoming pregnant with Rosemary’s Baby, which is the only conclusion available when one considers her behavior just days prior to her amorous advances. The addiction clinic staff have had one hell of a time controlling Britney, according to a so-called friend:

“She is still very vulnerable. Last Saturday she said she had the number 666 written onto her bald head. She was crying, and shouting, ‘I am the Antichrist!’

“The clinic people just didn’t know what to do. Then she started screaming, ‘I’m a fake! I’m a fake!’ It must have been really frightening.”

Later that evening, Britney supposedly tried to hang herself with a sheet, which follows last week’s threat of swallowing two bottles of Tylenol. The sheet incident would have been the fourth or fifth report of an attempted suicide as a “cry for help.” Yet as we all know, Britney is getting the best help that her millions can buy, and she just won’t accept that. One can only cry for help for so long before everyone gets tired of pulling her out of the sewer, and if she seriously wanted to kill herself, she probably would have succeeded at it weeks ago.

As per the usual routine, the news story ends with the friend’s declaration that “Now we’re all hoping that she can get her life back together.” Two problems with this: (1) Britney doesn’t seem to have any friends, and aside from her Paris/Lindsay sidekick phase last fall, she really never has appeared in public with anyone other than her sister or man-of-the-week. (2) Britney won’t ever get her crap together.

So what went so wrong in the life of a former pop princess? Many tabloids allege that Britney has been taking crystal methamphetamine, which produces extraordinary highs, irritability, and violent behavior. Whatever. Two very obvious side effects of meth use - extreme weight loss and rapid tooth decay - are most definitely not present in this case.

Further, meth is extremely cheap as it costs about $30 for a high of several days, and Britney may look cheap, but she loves to spend the money. Anyone who can spend $40,000 per night at a hotel certainly won’t resort to crystal meth but would go for the pricier stuff like cocaine.

Another lame theory that’s been bounced around is that Britney has postpartum depression, which sounds like bullshit as well. Research has found that PPD is often associated with financial stress that manifests itself psychosomatically, and again, Britney doesn’t worry about her cashflow. The PPD claims most likely are coming from Britney’s camp in an attempt to humanize her in the eyes of empathatic mothers. If Britney truly is mentally ill, a more likely explanation would be extreme narcissistic disorder or bipolar disorder. The symptoms of the latter do sound rather familiar:

Manic Phase
• Increased energy, activity, and restlessness
• Excessively “high,” overly good, euphoric mood
• Racing thoughts and talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another
• Distractibility, can’t concentrate well
• Unrealistic beliefs in one’s abilities and powers
• Poor judgment
• Spending sprees
• A lasting period of behavior that is different from usual
• Increased sexual drive
• Abuse of drugs, particularly cocaine, alcohol, and sleeping medications
• Provocative, intrusive, or aggressive behavior
• Denial that anything is wrong and that all is “awesome.”

Depressive Phase

• Lasting sad, anxious, or empty mood
• Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
• Restlessness or irritability
• Change in appetite and/or unintended weight loss or gain
• Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts

Bipolar disorder often appears for the first time in early adulthood, which would be about right for the bizarre case of Britney Spears.

Image: X17 Online (Don’t sue me - it’s just not worth it.)