As a gossip topic, Britney Spears is getting as tired and worn out as Miss Toxic’s nether regions, and it’s becoming increasingly difficult to drive my care-meter to a level where I can bothered to write a story about her. Getting expelled from the Chateau Marmont for smearing food on her face didn’t do it, and the custody hearing today where she’s likely to lose her kids probably wouldn’t qualify either. However, the news that somebody (*koff*Britney*koff*) might have put out a contract on Kevin Federline—well, that’s taking the game to a whole new level.

Anyway, Britney, it’s just too late. At this late date, not even ridding the world of Kevin Federline is likely to get you back into the public’s good graces. Using your time traveling skills to go back to 2004 and warn your younger, infinitely hotter self not to marry one of her back-up dancers and generally not to behave like a deranged retard—that might do the trick. Although I suspect you’d screw it up, probably in some way that made time travel look both idiotic and thoroughly boring.

Note From AB: For whatever reason, Atoz and I ended up on the same wavelength and crossposted. Deal with it, bitches!