Several stories here, each worse than the last. Let”’s try to get this unpleasantness over with quickly, shall we?

Madonna”’s attempt to upstage Angelina Jolie in the adopt-a-waif competition grows steadily more confusing. Publicists for the aging pop-whore say she didn”’t adopt a child on her recent visit to Africa (contrary to media reports), while Malawi officials insist that”’s precisely what she did. According to the Malawians, his name is Luca. He lives on the second floor, and right now he”’s probably feeling even more unwanted than most orphans. Madonna should have picked a less complicated hobby, like raising tropical fish.

In another competition, Madonna was edged out for the title of World”’s Most Influential Celebrity by Kate Moss, according to some group of Brits who concocted the no-doubt-baseless study. The World”’s Most Influential Human Being is also reportedly considering having a baby with Pete Doherty, her needle-pocked, useless excrescence of a boyfriend, on the grounds that fatherhood might make him clean up his act. Go ahead and scoff, but reasoning like this is going to help Kate wrest the title of World”’s Stupidest Celebrity from Britney Spears. She”’s stupid, all right”’like a fox.

Meanwhile, Best Week Ever reports that Britney and her man-thing are expecting yet another bundle of God-knows-what. This isn”’t really news, since we”’re all expecting Britney to squirt out young”’uns like a guppy for the next decade or so. The big story here, though, is that KFed is carrying the fetus. And BWE has the pictures to prove it. Normally, this story would be more than a little creepy, but not when we”’re writing about moms like Kate and Madonna. Besides, it”’s kind of heartwarming to see KFed doing something parental for once.