Oh crap, yet another “epic” Nicole Kidman film, Australia (which also stars Mister Sexynot, Hugh Jackman), will soon be available at your local multiplex. As with its lead actors, the film itself has been constructed with a shameful amount of money, but director Baz Luhrmann has also conveniently provided a retroactive alibi for his “$130 million, four-year project.” Luhrmann believes that any couple who watches Australia, after blowing $20 on tickets and another $15 on concessions, will feel oh-so-uplifted, as the film intends to “cheer up people affected by the global credit crisis.” WTF?
At any rate, don’t expect Kidman to actually move her facial muscles during the entire film. Undoubtedly, as with her last several films, Nicole’s character will be entirely portrayed through ornate costuming and sweeping landscapes, which shall be interrupted only the immutably “mysterious” expression of the so-called actress within:
Kidman is exquisitely accomplished at being awful. Did anyone see Cold Mountain? The sweeping American epic (note: another epic) foundered on the rocks of her gormless mirror-gaze. She can’t act. Instead, she drifts around films like a lost porcelain doll, looking frozen, brittle and vapid, staring at the camera with her oh-golly-look-how-I’m-looking-interesting blue eyes.
And today’s (predominantly male) directors haven’t quite woken up to the fact that it just isn’t enough for female actors just to wander around like supermodels: they need another skill too. Like emotion.
Kidman was said to be superb in To Die For. She was merely cold and brittle in a part that demanded it. That doesn’t make her a comic genius. She managed to make Eyes Wide Shut – that “odyssey of sexual and moral discovery” with Tom Cruise – without creating a single intellectual or sexual spark.
Swiftly, she specialised in not-very-good thrillers about obsessives and haunted women. She gave good red carpet. Kidman became a cipher for men’s desires; she simpered, gasped and screamed just as any helpless Hitchcockian blonde victim should.
But Kidman is guilty of something else. Not only did she get away with it, but she has spawned a genre of similarly flawless female actors who pout and scream very beautifully, but cannot act to save their lives: Gwyneth Paltrow, Keira Knightley – with faces like atrophied dolls, capable of adjusting their emotions only on direction; the biggest screen turn-offs in decades.
Thanx to my gay boyfriend for the heads up on that source. A similar article speaks of Kidman’s cruel beauty in no uncertain terms: “[R]ather like Madonna, her extreme perfection renders her strangely unsexy.” You know it’s true, bitches.
Finally, while Kidman has always categorically denied using botox, her forced abstinence during pregnancy proved otherwise. Catch a glimpse here–not so bad, right? Hell, I bet she could even move her facial muscles and actually emote. Poor Keith Urban probably didn’t know what to do with a wife that seemed to be enjoying sex for the very first time.