Coming Attraction: Nicole Kidman's Forehead of Doom

By Bedhead in Film, Gwyneth Paltrow, Hugh Jackman, Keira Knightley, Nicole Kidman, Smoking Bolts

Nicole Kidman Hugh Jackman Australia Stills

Oh crap, yet another “epic” Nicole Kidman film, Australia (which also stars Mister Sexynot, Hugh Jackman), will soon be available at your local multiplex. As with its lead actors, the film itself has been constructed with a shameful amount of money, but director Baz Luhrmann has also conveniently provided a retroactive alibi for his “$130 million, four-year project.” Luhrmann believes that any couple who watches Australia, after blowing $20 on tickets and another $15 on concessions, will feel oh-so-uplifted, as the film intends to “cheer up people affected by the global credit crisis.” WTF?

At any rate, don’t expect Kidman to actually move her facial muscles during the entire film. Undoubtedly, as with her last several films, Nicole’s character will be entirely portrayed through ornate costuming and sweeping landscapes, which shall be interrupted only the immutably “mysterious” expression of the so-called actress within:

Kidman is exquisitely accomplished at being awful. Did anyone see Cold Mountain? The sweeping American epic (note: another epic) foundered on the rocks of her gormless mirror-gaze. She can’t act. Instead, she drifts around films like a lost porcelain doll, looking frozen, brittle and vapid, staring at the camera with her oh-golly-look-how-I’m-looking-interesting blue eyes.

And today’s (predominantly male) directors haven’t quite woken up to the fact that it just isn’t enough for female actors just to wander around like supermodels: they need another skill too. Like emotion.

Kidman was said to be superb in To Die For. She was merely cold and brittle in a part that demanded it. That doesn’t make her a comic genius. She managed to make Eyes Wide Shut – that “odyssey of sexual and moral discovery” with Tom Cruise – without creating a single intellectual or sexual spark.

Swiftly, she specialised in not-very-good thrillers about obsessives and haunted women. She gave good red carpet. Kidman became a cipher for men’s desires; she simpered, gasped and screamed just as any helpless Hitchcockian blonde victim should.

But Kidman is guilty of something else. Not only did she get away with it, but she has spawned a genre of similarly flawless female actors who pout and scream very beautifully, but cannot act to save their lives: Gwyneth Paltrow, Keira Knightley – with faces like atrophied dolls, capable of adjusting their emotions only on direction; the biggest screen turn-offs in decades.

Thanx to my gay boyfriend for the heads up on that source. A similar article speaks of Kidman’s cruel beauty in no uncertain terms: “[R]ather like Madonna, her extreme perfection renders her strangely unsexy.” You know it’s true, bitches.

Finally, while Kidman has always categorically denied using botox, her forced abstinence during pregnancy proved otherwise. Catch a glimpse here–not so bad, right? Hell, I bet she could even move her facial muscles and actually emote. Poor Keith Urban probably didn’t know what to do with a wife that seemed to be enjoying sex for the very first time.

Nicole Kidman Hugh Jackman Australia StillsNicole Kidman Hugh Jackman Australia StillsNicole Kidman Hugh Jackman Australia StillsNicole Kidman Hugh Jackman Australia Stills

Imagery: Celebutopia



15 comments

I still think she’s sexy as hell (it’s totally the eyes), but yeah, the botox is a bit much.

11.25.08 | 8:16 pm
jmflynny

I’ve liked her in exactly two movies: To Die For and Dead Calm. And, to this day, I cannot for the life of me watch that oh-so-raved-about bullshit that is Moulin Rouge. I’ve tried and can’t make it past the first 15 minutes. It is pompus and pretentious and obnoxious and so friggin full of it’s own virtue it makes me ill to my stomach.

It’s so bad, that the moment anyone states their admiration for it, my opinion of them, admittedly, takes a little bit of a hit.

11.25.08 | 8:40 pm

She can act, but her face is now so overmedicated that it prevents her from practicing her craft. You can see the same thing in many current Sandra Bullock movies; she’ll look at her co-star and you KNOW there’s supposed to be frustration or something written on her face, but because of the Botox it just isn’t there.

Moulin Rouge? Anyone who believes a prostitute says no to sex for money deserves to pay twelve bucks to see that thing. It’s a joke.

11.25.08 | 9:52 pm
jeff

Moulin Rouge was unendurable. Scary: I knew some dude who saw it in the theater about 11 times

11.26.08 | 1:01 am

Exactly! I think that I managed 8:05 minutes. Approximately.

11.26.08 | 1:16 am

As a former drama major in a “school of the arts” all I can say is an actor is only as good as the writer, director and ofcourse editor. A bad script I would do for lots of money!!!! Fantasy project for me would be making “Grand Theft Auto” into a movie. What Kidman needs is a fun project with lots of action and suspense. Enough said!!!!

11.26.08 | 2:45 am

I only believe in being nasty to people that are nasty to me. I know it looks easy why don`t the critics give it a try, or show their faces!!!!

11.26.08 | 4:08 am

“… a lost porcelain doll, looking frozen, brittle and vapid.”

You are describing my dream girl.

11.26.08 | 12:23 pm

[...] Nicole Kidman has a forehead of doooooom! [Agent Bedhead] [...]

11.26.08 | 2:58 pm
Jill

Nicole has got the lines of her age., which remember is only 41!!..Look at the photos at the tennis on this very website All she’s done is, as a redhead with pale skin under a harsh Australian sun, look after her skin since her teenage years. So she didn’t bake like Pammy Anderson and she has consciously protected her skin for years and now everyone is after her. I’m 53, a pale skinned Aussie redhead of a absolutley no celebrity but keeping out of the sun means I have a “forehead of doom” too. It’s actually a forehead of care and certainly can’t be attributed to botox!!

11.27.08 | 3:26 am
Sezzaa

OMFG I JUST SAW THE MOVIE AND………….OMG IT WAS FUCKEN INCREDIBLE

I HAVE NO IDEA WHATS WRONG WITH THE CRITICS

ITS BECAUSE THEY HAVE SOMETHING AGAINST THE AUSTRALIANS….LIKE DAVE LETTERMAN…HE’S A DOUCHE

……..IM STILL MELTING OF HOW GOOD IT WAS……

BEAUTIFUL FILM

NICOLE WAS SO FUNNY, AND HUGH OH HUGH

I NEVER EXPECTED IT TO BE THAT FANTASTIC

YOU CRITICS GO TO HELL WHERE YOU BELONG!!!

11.27.08 | 4:56 am

Speaking of douches, does anyone have a fucking mop?

11.27.08 | 5:21 am
jmflynny

Jill, you’re delusional.

Anyone who remembers her pre-Hollywood era films knows that she looks younger now than she did 15 years ago, and it did not come from “consciously pretect(ing)” her skin from the harsh Australian sun.

Nicole Kidman has very wiry red hair and tons of freckles. And, I thought she was a hell of a lot more attractive that way. (See Dead Calm and Days of Thunder)

Even acknowledging the fact that she’s a beautiful woman does not distract from the argument that her face is highly augemented courtesy of botox. The evidence is, well, evident, in her inability to emote.

And, she does have the ability to act as we’ve seen her do it….long, long ago, before her vanity became more important to her than her craft.

11.27.08 | 12:32 pm
judd

naomi watts wannabe – i mean look at that pic! watts woulda done a far better job, flaws and all.

04.10.09 | 5:51 pm
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