Which superstar singer has embraced a sensational new diet, resulting in the pounds simply dropping off? It’s a crazy new treatment from Afghanistan – some are already calling it ‘Heroin’ – which has led to the weight loss. It’s not for everyone though, being quite expensive, but if your husband is also your dealer then you get a hefty discount.

Note To Amy Winehouse: Apparently, hubby dearest owes this guy 30 quid. We also regret to inform you that Blake Fielder-Civilhooha has been described as “a sort of British Kevin Federline.” In addition, though you may be a critic’s darling, these same critics have also proclaimed that you’ve “now supplanted that other great modern day rake and last minute no-show merchant Pete Doherty.”

On a positive note, our antihero will no doubt be bloody chuffed to hand over that crown of thorns.