As everyone is quite aware of at this point, Tom Cruise had a high-stakes film opening over the weekend. Coincidentally, a little more publicity comes his way with reports that “Katie and Tom call in FBI” after alleged death threats were made against the Cruise family:

The Mail on Sunday can reveal that security has been stepped up around Cruise, 46, Holmes, 30, and their two-year-old daughter Suri.

The couple now live at separate locations and move around in bomb-proof vehicles.

Last week Cruise attended the Los Angeles premiere of the movie, which was targeted by protesters from the anti-Scientology group Anonymous. He has been forced to increase security around his family since then.

“The threats are perceived to be so great that the FBI has been alerted,” said a source.

Well, Katie and Tom have maintained a bicoastal marriage (she in NYC and he in LA) for several months now, ever since Katie made her Broadway debut. Further, since June (or possibly before that), Cruise has invested in a fleet of bulletproof and bombproof cars, so that’s not exactly news either. Tom Cruise is also said to be “terrified” of flying, but I assume that’s either related to these alleged threats or because he’s outgrown his “need for speed” or whatever.

Naturally, Tom doesn’t think anyone but anti-Scientology group Anonymous would target him, so that’s what the Daily Mail, in all its journalistic integrity, has quoted the “source” as believing. So, Anonymous has responded through its very public WhyWeProtest.net forum:

Looks like scientology is making another push to paint us as terrorist hatemongers. Points to emphasize:

1) Despite our anonymity, we have *complete transparency*. Anyone can join our sites and see what we’re up to. The CO$ has *no* transparency.

2) We have been protesting for a year with no violence or attacks by anons.

3) Scientology’s history of framing critics (talk about Keith Henson as his case is now being appealed; mention Paulette Cooper, etc)

4) Scientology has tried painting us as terrorist hatemongers before (anthrax hoax, bomb threat hoax). Cite CNN interview where the journalist asserts that the FBI does not consider us a threat.

5) Speculation that Scientology may be threatening Cruise and telling him it’s us; they may be duping him. Cruise might actually have genuine fear; but that fear is caused by the Scientologists. This is an important point; many scilons who call the cops or run away from us ARE genuinely afraid – their fear, however, is not justified. The CO$ is encouraging and fostering those fears, so they can point to the genuine fear and say “see how they terrorize our members?”

6) EMPHASIZE THAT WE ARE NONVIOLENT AND MEAN NO HARM; our goal is to resist and protest the injustices perpetrated by the CO$.

Exactly, and for those who just cannot understand why Anonymous seems to “hate” the CO$, take a peek at some of Scientology’s victims. Seriously.

This isn’t the first or even the tenth time that threats to Cruise have been made by unknown sources, and Scientology has attempted to point the finger at Anonymous. Several anthrax hoaxes have occurred at Scientology centres as well as the Cruise’s UA offices c/o the MGM Tower. Also tangentially related (via the Cruise-Oprah connection) was the “Penises are evil and must be stopped at all costs.” hoax, which was a particularly distasteful little mess.

To say the very least about all of this, Tom Cruise seems a just a little bit paranoid. Whether or not Cruise has received threats, no one really knows, but the man has a history of, uh, preparing for the worst-case scenario. The dude has even taken to arriving at film premieres through an underground tunnel. And that’s not all.

Hell, Cruise has been preparing for the end of the world (at the hands of that intergalactic swine, Xenu) for quite some time. In Sept. 2007, plans were revealed for the immediate construction of a $10 million bunker underneath Cruise’s Telluride, Colorado home. So, when Xenu comes back to obliterate the human race, just know that Cruise (and up to 9 others) will be laughing at us from within his self-contained survival oasis, equipped with a high-tech air-purifying system. Bloody hell. If given the chance to survive this impending disaster with the condition of living with Cruise for a few years, I’d probably take my chances with Xenu. Meanwhile, I’m totally adoring Celebitchy’s take on Cruise’s bunker:

According to the drug-fueled ramblings of Scientology’s founder, L Ron Hubbard, there was a big attack 75 million years ago in which this Xenu guy made billions of people line up by volcanoes and terminated them with hydrogen bombs. All of our problems stem from this one incident, claim Scientologists, and our memories and psychological problems are made up of the fractured souls of the people who were killed. We would all have god-like knowledge and ability if only we could free ourselves of the trauma of that event. This is something that Scientologists are brainwashed to believe they have achieved once they surrender enough time, money, common sense and free will. Only when they reach the highest level of the cult, or Operating Thetan 3, are Scientologists told the story about the volcano genocide, but thanks to the wonder of the Internet you get it for free.

. . . .

Maybe if Cruise could pop some lithium every day he wouldn’t be so worried about the end of the world. Along with providing ease of mind and more stable moods, it would be a hell of a lot cheaper, too. L Ron Hubbard must have realized that prescription medication would help his most devoted followers figure out what bullshit he was preaching, so he decided to make psychiatrists enemy number one. The guy was crazy like a fox.

Poor Tom, however, has mastered the “crazy” aspect but has yet to yield anything even remotely “foxy.” Oh, check out these pictures of Cruise’s Colorado property where only the fittest richest shall survive:

Imagery of Cruise Compound: This Is London