Tom Cruise is still in the closet denying reports that he and Katie Holmes are splitting up:

“It should be known that the story is 100 percent false,” Arnold Robinson, a publicist for the couple, said in a statement.

Uh-huh, and O.J. Simpson was “100 percent not guilty” of two counts of homicide. Those are certainly a bad choice of words coming from a publicist.

“Mr. Cruise and Ms. Holmes are still engaged and are moving forward with their wedding plans, as well as planning for the arrival of their child.”

Isn’t it interesting that Cruise is using a spokesman on this matter? Quite frankly, I’d find his assertions of true relationship happiness to be more convincing if he pulled a couch onto his front lawn and proceeded to pounce upon it wildly next to a blowup doll of Oprah Winfrey.

“Despite the malicious fallacies put forth by Life & Style magazine, the couple is looking forward to a long and happy life together as a family.”

Nice touch there with the “malicious fallacies” jibberish. Translation: We will sue your sorry magazine-publishing asses by use of the “actual malice” standard, which is the only way that a public figure can sue for defamation!

Yep. This is the only way Tom Cruise can solve any problem – threaten to sue whomever offends his uber-delicate sensibilities. Agent predicts that this “rumour” will blow over, and eventually after the birth of Xeno Jr., he and Katie will “officially” break up, and all of this will just be a big misunderstanding.