‘Allo! Pete Doherty here, and for my poetry reading to announce my new book deal. You’d never fucking believe it if I told you where I’d bloody been these past few days. My fondest apologies for being late for this publisher’s soiree, but my fans are still waiting here, and I mustn’t disappoint them. Am I getting paid for this?

I’m all chuffed up about this new book deal. Excuse me one moment . . . ’tis been an hour since Mrs. Brown has visited me . . . and do you mind? Hand me that bloody tourniquet, Mate. Bless you. You want some? It would loosen you up a bit from the whole marcy darcy wanker thing you’ve got going on over there. Mmmm. Oh yes, that’s better. Where was I? Oh yes, poetry reading.

Full stop. I suddenly get the feeling that I’m forgetting something very important . . .