Sometimes, the world really does write its own satire, and here’s a new classic for our “male whores” category. Josh Freese, the most recent ex-drummer of Nine Inch Nails, has just launched a relatively content-free website that also, paradoxically, manages to also be one of the most annoying websites in all of them-thar internets. Essentially, Freese’s website runs with the same spirit as Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP but is markedly less “pretty” and even more likely to turn the viewer into a lemming. Seriously, I don’t have epilepsy, but this website almost gave me epilipsy. So, be forewarned if you decide to click over to joshfreese.com, where the dude is attempting to cash in on his NIN-associated fame with a variety of paid opportunities to interact with his highness:
Freese, who quit the group late last year to spend more time with his family, has created 11 bizarre meet-and-greet packages ranging in price from $7 to $75,000.
For $7 fans get a digital download of his new solo album Since 1972; for $50 they get the album, a T-shirt and a five-minute phone call from Freese; and $500 buys the lucky fan a dinner date with the star.
Freese will wash the car or clean the laundry of anyone willing to hand over $1,000; and a $10,000 contribution lands a double date; a day at Disneyland and Freese’s Volvo car.
For $75,000 Freese will write a five song EP about the bidders life, work as their personal assistant for a month; and invite them to “take ‘shrooms (magic mushrooms) and cruise Hollywood in Danny (Carey) from (rock band) Tool’s Lamborghini”. [sic]
Part of me realizes this is, at least partially, just a publicity scheme geared towards pimping Freese’s upcoming solo album, sorta like that yearly diamond-filled bra from Victoria’s Secret that never sells. Either that, or Freese is taking a very misguided cue from Vincent “Male Gigolo” Gallo. (Y’all should just be happy that, tonight, I finally am capable of enough mercy to not post any Gallo pictures. You’re welcome.) As far as I am aware, Gallo hasn’t had any takers on his ample sperm inventory or fantasy-filled weekends. Hell, I’m starting to think that when Gallo stated, “Potential clients are advised to screen the controversial scene from The Brown Bunny to be sure for themselves that they can fully accommodate all of me,” Gallo was really only attempting to sell more DVD copies of that horrible movie. Gallo, as a self-described capitalist, should have fully realized that, just because he’s got the supply, there’s no guarantee for any demand at all, especially since most chicks can get laid at a moment’s notice, so who’s gonna buy what, presumably Gallo can’t even give away for free?
For research purposes (and a tax-deductible giggle), I’d be half-tempted to pony up $50 for a phone call with Freese just to ask him what kind of drugs, besides those shrooms, he was taking when he devised this scheme. Still, I’ll pass on this one because, hey, I’m cheap and easy, but I’m not that cheap and easy.
Below, Josh Freese stands with the rest of Nine Inch Nails (right before the LITS tour), who would probably kick his ass right now if only they could.
