Is that only during the daytime? Is squeezing the python ever okay in the No-Fun Zone of Islam? Can I get someone to do it for me?

That’s why I put up the Rosie O’Donnell post, ma’am. Just doing my bit for the Religion of Peace.

Hey, he just says Deliberate masturbation, so if my hand accidentally happens to make it’s way into my britches and I have an epileptic fit in that arm I’m good right?

What a bunch of party poopers…this religion of Allah. Whoops, I forgot that killing is okay.

“If he do not intend masturbation and discharging semen”

Yes, Phin. As long as you’re only doing it by ACCIDENT, you’re OK.

Or maybe if you just don’t intend to discharge semen. I dunno. But clearly the epileptic fit is halal. Or whatever the fuck they call it.

Also, if it itches, surely you wouldn’t want to SCRATCH it, but some friction would be in order to relieve the itch. I’ve never heard of any fatwa about itching, y’know. Not even during the goat mont–er, Ramadan.

Thanks, Beth. I have accidents EVERY DAY

Yikes! All that time without the barest essentials could make a man explode.

Sorry.

It’s mine, and I’ll wash it as fast as I want.

So say you’re an Arab (like Ahab) and you’re out in the desert, far from any women, amongst the camels, and you’re not even allowed to pitch a tent?

Harsh.