No one has ever seemed to understand why Kate Moss finds herself inexplicably drawn to Pete Doherty, but Miss Celebitchy emailed me a very telling clue. It seems that Kate spends a great deal of time in her bathroom. She even walks the distance to use that loo when so many others are available in her mansion, and she does so even when she has guests to entertain. It would seem that that room is an altar of sorts, according to a source:

Kate’s bog has lovely twinkle-dinkle coloured lights on the ceiling and large prints of Sid Vicious on the walls.

Kate must find heroin addiction to be oh-so-sexy, and it certainly harbors the trappings of controversy, police arrests, and running around shirtless (easy tourniquet access).

As rumours would have it, the KLF would be pleased to see their little rock n’ roll robot chugging along towards his self-fulfilled prophecy. Unlike Sid Vicious, however, Pete Doherty wouldn’t willfully or wantonly hurt a woman. He even let Kate kick his ass on one occasion, so she should worry very little about suffering the fate of Nancy Spungeon.

As to Kate, her seemingly tame birthday reportedly went amuck as she kicked off a “£5,000 on a marathon drinking and dancing session” by dining on oysters with Pete. The ordinary aphrodisiac failed to have any effect on the couple’s libido when Pete reportedly had no interest in mundane discussions:

Kate wanted to discuss plans to buy a new family home in London. She is keen to have a brother or sister for her daughter Lila Grace. But Pete wants to go on wild romantic tour across America. He was also in a mood because he wanted sausage and chips, not oysters.

Oh bugger. Yet Pete made the most of it and awoke early the next morning to pop off to court wearing the same outfit as the night before. That coat with red lining, trilby hat with brown trim, grey suit, dark shirt, red tie, and brown shoes must have all smelled deliciously of oysters, cigarettes, booze, and remnants of Kate Moss.

Obviously, not all goes wrong for our antihero, since his latest court review resulted in District Judge Jane McIvor’s declaration that she was “optimistic” about Doherty’s incremental, if slight, progress. We suspect the judge to have a slight crush on Doherty, but who could blame her? After all, Babyshambles finally inked that record deal for £1 million ($2 million) with Parlophone. Under the contract, the group will reportedly make three albums and Pete and bandmates are not subject to any lifestyle clauses (i.e., no bans on drug use).

However, not every establishment is so willfully blind. Pete has been banned by BBC television. According to Newsround editor, Tim Levell:

On Newsround we have an informal agreement we don’t cover Pete Doherty at all – in fact, there is [such an agreement] across the whole of BBC Children’s TV.

And if his management asked if he could be a guest on a Saturday morning show, we would say no because we don’t think he is a good role model for children.

I can see how many news channels want to cover him because he is a sort of flawed genius.

Personally I think he has a little too much coverage – particularly because he hasn’t had any hit singles. I couldn’t sing a single Doherty song.

Pete should take comfort in his continued presence on the BBC radio channels, and I don’t think the unspoken agreement between newscasters is such a bad thing. After all, all of us at Agent Bedhead obey an implicit agreement never to cover Desperate Housewives.

Poor Pete should take a few business tips from his girlfriend/fiance/wife, since her return to Burberry for the past two seasons has worked wonders:

One of Burberry’s best sellers in the past year has been its £750 Manor Handbag, which was carried by model Kate Moss in a high profile advertising campaign . . . [Burberry] said total revenues increased 25 per cent on an underlying basis.

Some shots of Kate from the Burberry website: