Normally, I’m always a little bit relieved when alleged felons decide to off themselves before trial. It saves the court system time and money, and I’m all about efficiency.

Yet with the apparent “suicide” of David “The Sultan of Sleaze” Schmidt, the end result seems a bit too convenient. After all, this guy was under house arrest and reportedly set to plead guilty of attempting to extort $1.3 million from Tom Cruise in exchange for some wedding photos that Tom and Katie Holmes didn’t want the public to see. Before this puppy could get to federal court, however, Schmidt was found dead in his home, the victim of an apparent suicide by hanging himself in his shower. While some day Schmidt was depressed (and who wouldn’t be, after getting owned by Tom Cruise?), other reports point to the gaps in the story, such as the impossibility of hanging oneself in such a small shower stall.

Cruise’s lawyer has immediately engaged in damage control:

The lawyer said Cruise “is not personally involved in this, as he is in Germany” shooting “Valkyrie,” [sic] in which he stars as a German officer who tries to assassinate Adolf Hitler.

How convenient. Celebitchy is not atypically skeptical of the situation:

According to ex members, Scientology teaches its followers to go to any lengths to silence critics, including murder. There have been several instances of questionable suicides and deaths (link has automatic music) of active and ex cult members, most recently of a well to do artist couple in NY. Jeremy Blake and Theresa Duncan committed suicide within days of each other after telling friends of extensive harassment and stalking by Scientologists.

David Miscavige, the head of Scientology, was at Cruise’s wedding and there was a weird picture that came out of Cruise posing in what looked like a throne with his son Connor and Miscavige by his side. I wonder if they did any rituals at that wedding and if someone had documentation.

Elsewhere, Dlisted waves the white flag:

Gulp! I’m going to end this post by saying Scientology is a beautiful thing and Tom Cruise is a God. We should all learn the beliefs of the aliens. They can teach us a lot. We all should give all of our dough to Xenu or whatever alien creature they worship. Just don’t take me Xenu….please!!!!!

Of course, the difficulty of this mess involves choosing whether to believe the Scientologists or the same sex tape broker who brought us “Saved By The Smell.” Tough call.