As we move towards the impending sociocultural ritual known as Super Bowl Sunday, a little perspective perhaps will help any overly-crazed sports fans from taking all of this so seriously.

Football is a sport for men only, preferably of the muscle-bound variety, who wear tight spandex pants and play with an awkwardly-shaped ball. The object of the game is to score, whatever the hell that means, and one of best ways to score is by making passes. With positions called tight end and wide receiver; and team names such as Packers, Rams, Giants, Cowboys, Raiders, and Oilers, we simply cannot continue to overlook the gayness of this beloved American sport.

Oh, and one cannot possibly forget the almighty Saints, a moniker whose concept didn’t succeed at keeping the gays out of Catholicism either. The ruse is most definitely over, boys.

Now, onto the exhibits. Let us get started with an easy one. What in the holy hell is this?

Thanx to completely hetero Nick for the above image, BTW. Now moving onto the next demonstration, aptly called Piling On:

What follows is a so-called explanation of what happens at the bottom of the pile:

“That’s the underworld of football down there,” defensive lineman Ellis Wyms said. “There’s a whole other game going on down there. It’s dirty and it’s nasty. I’ve seen guys spit in guys’ mouths”

“That’s when all bets are off. It’s primal. A lot of people get labeled. Word spreads and film doesn’t lie. You know who’s dirty and who’s not.”

The faint at heart can rest assured that not every moment in football is quite so brutally masculine. Some tender moments do exist:

Get your hankies ready: “I love you man.” “No, I love you, man.”

While it is an accepted fact that the tight, shiny pants often come in flamboyent shades, I do have to wonder, what color are those helmets again?

The most important game during football season is the Super Bowl. Millions of male voyeurs will watch this game while their wives pretend not to notice. Each member of the team that wins this game gets a sooper sexy diamond-encrusted ring. Très Chic!

Finally, if any doubt ever existed to whether or not football is completely gay, I present to you the all-inclusory case, the Super Bowl Shuffle (1985-1986). What follows are some excerpted lyrics:

Well, they call me Sweetness,
And I like to dance.
Runnin’ the ball is like makin’ romance.
. . .
This is Speedy Willie, and I’m world class.
I like runnin’ but i love to get the pass.
I practice all day and dance all night,
I got to get ready for the Sunday fight.
Now I’m as smooth as a chocolate swirl,
I dance a little funky, so watch me girl.
There’s not one here that does it like me,
My Super Bowl Shuffle will set you free.

This video footage may be too disturbing for words, but it leaves us with our final conclusion. Football is SO fucking gay:

Super Bowl Shuffle – video powered by Metacafe

See Also Soccer Is SO Fucking Gay