So I was thinking about sex just now – which really isn’t all that surprising to those few who used to read my online journal a few years ago. In particular, I’ve been thinking that perhaps things were getting too serious around here. So I thought I’d just sex something up that you wouldn’t expect – The Missionary Position.

Okay, as many of you know, a fair amount of conversation occurs here concerning fellatio. It’s not easy, boys. Lest I remind you of the seven major points, tsk tsk. Another day perhaps….a refresher might be warranted. Anyhoo, after a two-hour rollercoaster of fellatio, and after he recovers, the best thing ever is to relax the back and neck a bit and enjoy some guy-on-top action.

If you think that missionary position is a female’s ‘lazy’ way to orgasm, then perhaps you (speaking to the men) have not been working hard enough at it. Surely calling any female who enjoys missionary won’t earn get you future fellatio. And if it’s not ‘doing it’ for you, then perhaps you just need a little more practice. If you must reject it, at least reject it for legitimate reasons – because you don’t like the view quite enough, or it doesn’t hit the girlie’s G-spot – not simply because it was once embraced by uptight housewives and religious types as ‘proper sex.’ Screw that. Actually, screw the correct way, and missionary turns out to be oh-so-improper sex.

Missionary is sorta like vodka: You have to add your own flavor. If she lines up just right, his pelvic bone presses the button better than any groping hand reaching around, and who the hell says she has to just lie there? She can thrust with as much oomph as he does. It’s the most skin-to-skin and sweaty contact imaginable. Indeed, after the whole concentration factor of giving fellatio, being on the bottom frees a woman from the responsibility of maintaining the rhythm and pressure. This can be the all-about-her time down there, and us ladies know that the men like to please us too.

Of course, there is always going to be an animalistic sort of appeal to the face-into-a-pillow doggie style, the power trip of being on top and gazed at like a goddess, and the exhibitionistic buzz of doing it in front of a mirror or whatever you do it up against. Oh, but fuck me if it doesn’t feel good to come home again…

UPDATE: By the reaction in the comments, I’m thinking that I need to reconsider what details that I’m handing out here. The sooper seekrit is to make use of the hands in such a way that the jaw doesn’t have to exhaust itself. Dammit – this is turning into a prOn site. Tomorrow on Agent Bedhead: Knit Blogging