It’s been quite awhile since we’ve had the occasion to pull out the official “Scandal!” label (actually, during the second-to-last episode of Buttwatch), but methinks this must be one of those ceremonial moments. Of course, if I told you that I understood exactly what was going on in the above photograph, I’d be lying out my ass. This update comes by way of my gay boyfriend (the main one), who becomes awfully excited about such bizarre things and occasionally sends an avalanche of sources regarding one awfully endearing Gaddafi fetish. In fact, he once referred to Gaddafi as “the Pete Doherty of Libya” but now chooses to describe him as “the Libyan Hugh Hefner.” Such a drastic change in monikers led to some very half-assed investigation on my part.

A rather interesting character, Gaddafi keeps a virgin harem, all of whom have been trained as bodyguards as “part of Libya’s ongoing effort to rehabilitate its image in the eyes of the world, and of the extreme makeover of its non-elected leader Moammar Qaddafi.” That, apparently, is where the Hefner speak comes into play:

It’s the political equivalent of a porn star — a porn star who kills people — going legit. But if Qaddafi ever wants his transformation to be complete, he’ll have to do something not only about his country’s ongoing human rights abuses (see Amnesty International), but also his trademark posse of female bodyguards. Everywhere he goes, he’s surrounded by a badass bunch of Lara Croft clones, usually in matching colored camouflage (of dubious use in the desert). They’ve been described as “wearing their Kalashnikovs like Gucci fashion accessories.” (Yes, news articles always describe that they’re wearing. Not like you ever hear the AP mention the “navy wool, three-button, notched-lapel suits” of the Secret Service.) On a good day, the bodyguards make Qaddafi look like Hef. On a bad day, a Bond villain. On every day, a crackpot.

Now, things have grown even creepier, for Gaddafi has been caught snogging the Queen Mother of Uganda and fully denies it:

Gaddafi’s lawyers have filed a suit totalling 1 billion dollars againts the editors of The Red Pepper over the paper’s reports that he is in love with Tooro Kingdom’s Queen Mother Best Kemigisha, editor Ben Byaraba told Deutsche Presse-Agentur dpa.

“Gaddafi has sued us for one billion dollars,” Byaraba said by telephone. “We stand by the story and we are waiting for Gaddafi to stand in court to accuse us of writing that he is engaged in the sex scandal.”

Tooro, in the west of the country, is one of numerous Ugandan kingdoms revived by President Yoweri Museveni over 15 years ago after their abolition in the 1960s.

A widow in her early 40s, Kemigisha is the mother of the world’s youngest monarch, the 16-year old king Oyo Nyimba Iguru.

Gaddafi’s lawyers said that articles “cumulatively construed in their ordinary meaning and context” that Gaddafi was having an adulterous relationship with Kemigisha.

If Gaddafi thinks he can (literally & figuratively) fuck with this woman, he’s crazier than previously thought because the Tooro Queen Mother tends to off anyone who dares enter a dispute with her. Oh, and there’s this tidbit:

The Tooro Queen Mother Best Kemigisha is a known close confidant of dictator Museveni who also offered her to his friend the Libyan dictator Muamar Gaddafi. Best Kemigisha has provided Museveni a pool of spies for his overseas networks as solidarity of the blood ties between Batooro and Tanzanian Baziba.

For his part, Musevini is also one scary mofo. Not only is he associated with “presidential and parliamentary election rigging, but dude reportedly operates three levels of poison squads as well as several “hospitals [that] are equipped to administer poison to selected opponents . . . All these poison squads operate in harmony with other state terrorist agencies.” This doesn’t hint towards a favourable outcome for our favourite Libyan leader. Perhaps Gaddafi was lured in by the feminine wiles of the Tooro Queen Mother, but, if you see her in pictures, you gotta figure she gives one hell of a blow job because she’s, um, rather unattractive, not to mention her well-documented homicidal tendencies and the obvious Oedipal issues that shall eventually spring forth from her King son. Perhaps Gaddafi’s dick shall be his demise, no? Stay tuned.