Thanks for the clarification, George. Clooney explained his orientation during an interview with Esquire, where the questions were generated by surfing the internet and seeing what a bunch of irresponsible bloggers were saying about the man. When the interviewer stumbled across a site called George Clooney is Gay, Gay, Gay, Clooney explained: “No, I’m gay, gay. The third gay—that was pushing it.” So he’s not really coming out, or staying in the closet. He’s just loitering in the closet’s doorway, making smartass remarks.

In fact, the whole interview is full of smartass remarks. Whatever else you might say about Clooney, the man has a quick wit. Asked about his little tiff with Fabio, he agreed that Fabio could have taken him:

He’s a big guy. I wouldn’t doubt that. There is a moment when you’re actually in the argument and you’re thinking, If I do get beaten down by Fabio, that will be far worse than the pain. I wouldn’t shake that.

However, George recouped quite a bit of his toughness cred on the issue of cosmetic surgery. Clooney admitted he’d had his eyes done, but said that was it for the face. But it’s a different story elsewhere: “I did get my balls done, though. I got them unwrinkled. It’s the new thing in Hollywood — ball ironing.”

I really hope this is true. Gay or not, if Clooney’s personal grooming routine includes ironing his scrotum, he’s the toughest man in the northern hemisphere. Hell, a man like that probably doesn’t even drink coffee in the morning. Instead, I like to think he wakes himself up with a vicious series of self-administered kidney punches.