So, Tom Cruise has entered the final stages of promoting that Nazi porn flick of his. Such endurance! After much adversity, Valkyrie The Fucking Führer continues to deal with obstacles, and co-star Eddie Izzard has now confessed his doubts about the film. Then again, Izzard is probably just indulging in a bit of passive-aggressive whining about having not yet seen a final cut, despite shooting the film over 18 months ago. Some people.

Trifles aside, the Cruise continues his righteous fight to prove himself as the greatest movie star in the world, and, in doing so, the Poison Dwarf made a stop in Toronto to visit the “Much On Demand” television program. Once sequestered within the studio, Tom received a surprise that was even more thrilling than achieving Scientology’s level OT III by spending over $100,000 to read a manila folder full of sci-fi bullshit. Hell, this was an even more rewarding experience than achieving the superpowers of level OT-VII, and the sheer pleasure displayed on Tom’s face betrays what David Miscavage does not want the world to know about his back-door man.

This is, quite honestly, the first time that I’ve ever been reeled in by Tom’s overwhelming joyousness. Just look at how thrilled he is to see those two young, strapping lads in Risky Business underwear-dance attire. Let’s do a double take at the Cruise’s reaction to this, uh, dual tribute:

Then, Tom turned on the mojo and busted a few of his latest signature moves that were least likely to end in a pair of split jeans. Yes, it’s worse than last time, and it’s definitely more disturbing than the time before that. Still, watching Tom Cruise “shake it like a salt shaker” is almost as sexy as that damn eyepatch…. oh hell, I give up.