Ever since learning of Bob Saget’s particular brand of shock humor, the idea of a comedy “roast” really grosses me out. So, the fact that Tom Cruise decided to surprise Matt Lauer at his Friars Club Roast, well, that’s a double whammy if there ever was one. So, why would Cruise take the trouble to make a speech at this grand event?

At a certain point, someone that Tom Cruise actually respects (i.e., a Scientology official, not some United Artists pissant) sat him down with a nice mug of hot cocoa and said something like this: “Tom, Valkyrie is fast approaching, and your public image still needs a lot of work. Perhaps you really should extend the olive branch to Matt Lauer. It really tainted your prior saintliness when you dared to call him ‘glib’ and stuck your almighty finger in his face, even though you were absolutely right to do so.”

Cruise said Lauer “has given me some great advice,” such as the time the actor was going to make an appearance on “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” Lauer told him to talk about his relationship with now-wife Katie Holmes, he said. “Your love is inspiring, go crazy, people will love you for it,” Cruise said the “Today” anchor advised him. “Lose my number, you glib putz.”

“Can you stay?” Lauer responded as Cruise headed off stage. “We’ll get you a booster seat.

Cruise went in for the kill and somehow made it look like Lauer is the more affectionate one:

Tom also attempted to convince the world that he and Lauer are actually great friends:

See some video footage of Tom’s speech here.