While Oprah relives her recent moments of hair-raising ecstasy at the hands of one Tom Cruise, others are finding out that, well, it just doesn’t pay to kiss ass. Case in point: While high-level Scientologists (and their slave laborers) were celebrating the birthday of the prophet, Tom Cruise, they were unwittingly breathing invisible particles of blue asbestos. Exposure to this well-known carcinogen immediately places normal human beings into the high-risk category for mesothelioma, an extremely lethal form of lung cancer. Ain’t that a bitch?

Of course, celebrity Scientologist Jenna Elfman once famously screamed, “AIDS is a state of mind, not a disease. Get over it!” It would necessarily follow that perhaps Scientologists believe themselves immune to cancer as well — that’s quite a leap of faith.

Regardless of L.Ron Hubbard’s version of the truth, the Freewinds cruise ship has been “sealed and docked by officials in Curacao.” This means that the upcoming cruise (see invite at right) is cancelled while the ship awaits investigation by mere mortals:

An affidavit filed in 2001 by Lawrence Woodcraft, a former Scientologist and trained architect, claims that Woodcraft encountered the fibrous minerals while working on the ship in 1987, and promptly informed Scientology leaders. For over 21 years, Scientology has knowingly exposed passengers to what is generally considered the most lethal form of asbestos. The National Toxicology Program classifies asbestos as a known human carcinogen. The EPA has also classified asbestos as a human carcinogen. The use of asbestos in new construction projects has been banned for health and safety reasons in many developed countries, including all 27 member states of the European Union, Australia, Japan, and New Zealand.

So, this affidavit was filed in the U.S. in 2001, but it still took officials until now to seal and isolate the ship? These weren’t U.S. officials either, which leads to the conclusion that the U.S. government just isn’t concerned about any of Scientology’s alleged misdeeds.

Of course, an untold number of technicians and lower-level Scientologists have, over the years, worked upon this Cruise Ship Of Doom. Since only Scientologists who have reached the higher OT Levels are assumed to have achieved immortality and freedom from sickness, this failure by Scientology to inform seems rather… 2nd degree homicidal (showing a willful and reckless disregard for life):

During refurbishing and reparatory work, which involved removing the ceiling and panelling on cruise ship Freewinds, blue asbestos was released and ended up in the ventilation system. Freewinds’ captain did not report this when it’s [sic] own personnel were working on the ship on the Mathey warf in Otrobanda. The Curacao Drydock Company (CDM), where the ship was taken for reparatory work on the hull, heard from the surveyor that there may be asbestos on the ship. The captain acknowledged the incident and said that after the incident Freewinds had some investigation done.

A confirmed member of Anonymous has issued this response:

“While we believe every person has the right to hold whatever beliefs they prefer, that right does not grant Scientology freedom to knowingly expose thousands of people to extremely dangerous substances without informing them of the danger.”

All of this also lends some bittersweet credence to a portion of Jason Beghe’s interview, in which he stated, “That ship is a fleabag… it ain’t no nice luxury liner or nothing.”

On a more celebratory note, tune into Oprah’s show this Friday to celebrate 25 years in film for Tom Cruise!!!

Oprah/Tom photos from the Daily Mail.