In case you’re ready to scream if you hear that obnoxious Hips Won’t Die shit one more time, you’re not alone. It just set a record for the most-played song in one week, having been spun 5 billion times on American radio last week. Oh the glory of marketing! Let’s recall how this historic moment came to pass:

Late last year, Shakira’s latest English CD sank like a New Orleans school bus. The first self-penned single was called Don’t Bother, & people didn’t. It included an embarrassing monologue, in Shakira’s whispery breathy-goat mumble: For you, I’d give up all I own / And move to a communist country.

So entire marketing departments went to work, vast hordes of music industry wonks working tirelessly 24/7 to salvage this mess & save their division. The Blonde One’s other clunky compositions were junked, Wyclef Whozzit’s song was pimped out, grafted on, Shakira was ordered to drop the poetry & shake it. (Presumably Wyclef was chosen for his track record of dealing with insufferable divas, having worked with Lauryn Hill.)

Wyclef will be on hand for Shakira’s upcoming tour, which apparently will be somewhat pornographic:

"I have a beautiful friendship with my fans. We are good friends. But after the tour, we’ll be lovers forever. They’ll get to know me deeply. Whatever they didn’t know about me, they’ll know it after the tour."

See also Myotonic fainting goats