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His Big Mistake Was Marrying That Back-up Dancer

By Mr. Atoz in Male Whores

Remember Knut, the terrifyingly adorable polar bear cub who won German hearts almost as effortlessly as Der Fuehrer? Well, Knut isn’t a cub anymore, and like many former child stars, his transition to adulthood is proving to be a bit rocky. In fact, Knut’s keeper describes the husky young carnivore as “a publicity-addicted psycho” whose mental health is deteriorating by the day. According to keeper Markus Roebke:

We are not allowed to have contact with him any more and have received letters that if we breach this order our jobs are on the line. He is too unpredictable to play with now. He is addicted to the whole show, the human adulation. It is not healthy. He actually cries out or whimpers if he sees that there is not a spectator outside his enclosure ready to ooh and aah at him.

Presumably it’s just a matter of time before Knut learns to get the crowd’s attention by flashing his genitals at them. Then, a few months after that, comes the head-shaving. Eventually he might regain a tiny scrap of his dignity by making a guest appearance on How I Met Your Mother, but I wouldn’t count on it. These comparisons can only be pushed so far.

03.26.08

9 Feedbacks on "His Big Mistake Was Marrying That Back-up Dancer"

jvon

Polar bears in the wild eat people. Not just if they happen to poke them with a stick or something; they will follow them for miles and devour them for food.

So I am wondering what exactly makes a bear “psycho”. Whining because it wants attention?

This guy sounds like one of those animal rights nuts who thinks that all the animals in the zoo should be set free. Me, I think we could save a lot of money on food in zoos if we fed hippies to the bears. Mmm, crunchy.

25.03.08 at 11:40 pm

Mr. Atoz

I think the guy’s (valid) point is a) Knut is relying on attention from people for emotional validation; and b) he thinks he’s human. Since everything in a polar bear’s natural make-up leads them to think that humans are sort of like KFC’s 16-piece bucket, that’s bound to lead to emotional conflict.

Being a zookeeper, Roebke probably doesn’t want to set all the animals free. He just doesn’t like seeing them turned into cutesy media-whore cultural icons. That said, your notion of improving the zoos’ bottom line by using hippies for roughage has a certain sinister merit. Personally, I’d favor using PETA members, but they’d probably fink out on the deal and insist on feeding Knut hunks of tofu shaped like baby seal pups.

26.03.08 at 8:18 am