The first reviews on Valkyrie are beginning to appear, and while they’re not exactly what Tom was hoping to hear, they’re an early Christmas gift for mean-spirited Cruise haters the world over. Here’s the good news: Valkyrie is a reasonably good film. Decent script, excellent production values, good direction from Brian Singer, and an exceptionally strong cast. (The Christmas release of a movie about sympathetic Nazis who lose out to Hitler seems a little questionable, but that’s another story.) And here’s the even better news: Tom Cruise stinks. Lest you think this is more bile from a guy who was traumatized at an early age by Top Gun and never fully recovered, we’ll let the review speak for itself:

…Cruise undermines the potential of “Valkyrie” at every turn. He’s outclassed and outmatched by every member of the strong supporting cast, any of whom would have been more believable as Stauffenberg: Kenneth Branagh, Tom Wilkinson, Terence Stamp and Bill Nighy as fellow German officers, even Eddie Izzard, who’s a unique and unexpected choice.

In short, while Valkyrie might not be a bad movie, Tom is certainly one bad actor. Meanwhile, Katie has been getting fairly decent reviews for her performance in All My Sons, one of Broadway’s few moneymakers this season. It would be such sweet revenge if she emerged as the dominant half of TomKat.