This past weekend at the box office may have looked all innocent and drag-race oriented, but what actually transpired was quite the bloody affair. At the hands of Vin Diesel, no less.

For the past several years, Mister V.D. (real name: Mark Sinclair Vincent) seemed to have lost his rainmaking abilities, but this weekend’s Fast and Furious has obliterated those doubts by, somehow, pulling in $72,508,000. At first glance, I thought this must have been a typo, but the “7″ and “2″ are indeed correctly placed. Diesel’s previous highest opening weekend occurred back in August 2002, when XXX opened with $44,506,103. Now, not only has Diesel shattered his own particular record, but Fast and Furious has achieved both the Top April Opening Weekend (buh bye, Anger Management) and the Top Spring Opening Weekend (tonight, 300 dines in 2nd place). So, get ready for a whole shitload more of Vin Diesel and his ambiguous sexuality coming to multiplexes near you.

Of course, this weekend’s bloodbath can be justified by a multitude of factors. However, I’m thinking that, at least for now, Vin Diesel may very well have cornered the muscle-bound-and-willing-to-take-shirt-off action film star market. Honestly, I simply cannot think of any other currently viable action film stars who can truly be described as “muscle bound” and are also willing to dispense with that “serious actor” nonsense and go shirtless upon request. As a result, in regard to the inexplicable return of Vin Diesel, I am placing a good chunk of the blame on Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and his crappy ass Disney trilogy. Dude, you’re kind of needed elsewhere, if you hadn’t already noticed. So much for the “People’s Champion,” eh?

Ah well, Vin Diesel isn’t really such a bad guy. What actually bothers me, aside from the mindless nature of most Diesel films, is that the man appears to be utterly, shamelessly, and entirely hairless. Okay, so Diesel’s got eyebrows & pit hair, but, seriously, all the rest of that shit just ain’t natural.