It must be spring. Late spring, anyway, since the Theme for the Day, here and elsewhere, seems to be hooking up. And who better to advise our lonely and mostly celibate readers (might as well be honest here) than Russell Brand, a former MTV veejay who shagged supermodel Kate Moss despite the fact that he acknowledges that he’s got a “tiny dinkle,” and his former partners say that his bedroom technique is “all about his pleasure.”

Admittedly, this is a guy who lost his MTV veejay job because he thought it would be a hoot to show up for work dressed as Osama bin Ladin on September 12, 2001. And Kate Bush, not exactly the brightest bulb in the chandelier, dumped his sorry ass in a matter of days. But if you follow his advice and aren’t too picky in the smarts department, then you, too, can hook up with a girl like Kate for the 36 hours or so it takes for her to realize that you’re a shabby, narcissistic moral retard.

And even shabby narcissists and Wilmer Valderrama know the importance of Brand’s Rule 4: “Never Be Too Blunt.”