(Orignally posted on August 13, 2004)
Ahem. In furtherance of the KTAS initiative to get Kilgore Trout on the 2008 Presidential Ticket, I present the following:
Any fake phone number a girl hands to a fellow would automatically forward all calls to her actual phone number.
Young and barely-legal girls would have taut skin and be great at fellatio.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, But I Don’t Give A Shit. Go Fuck Yourself" cards.
Birth control would come in ale or lager. Vasectomies and STD tests would be fun.
That bloody miserable bastard who invented cell phones would have never been born.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be the CEO of the entire conglomerate.
Similarly, wittiness in excess would get any man laid, regardless of any of his other qualities.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
Congress would provide funding initiatives to the states on the proviso that they ban the sale of crumb donettes. In the same spirit, Mr. Pringle would replace George Washington on the one-dollar bill.
Stormtroopers would actually comprise one of the armed services…perhaps replacing the navy since they have a propensity for being a bit oversexed as evidenced by nightly pornfests and public masturbation with fifty other men.
Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Arbor Day, too.
St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, your speedometer is highly inaccurate because of the vector propulsion and theories of relativity. Besides, I was only spilling beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That’s $10 off."
