At last: the perfect romantic gift for someone who has everything except a life. Behold The Manllow–nothing more than a few pounds of cotton and polyester stuffing shaped like Edward Cullen, but absolutely integral to the most dysfunctional bedroom decorating scheme imaginable. The Manllow debuted on Etsy and sold out almost instantly, so it’s a safe bet another shipment is on the way. You can find the link by googling “Manllow,” or you can go directly to Etsy and plow through the 750-plus pages of “Twilight” related merchandise available there. (And if your stomach is up to that, then my hat is off to you, sir or madame.) At any rate, here’s the full description:

Manllow: half man, half pillow. For all the twilight crazed lonely women in the world, Edward Cullen is finally here to be with you and only you. Sleep with him, cuddle with him, use him as a neck rest, the Edward Manllow is there to be your man and pillow all in one. Made of soft cotton jersey, screen printed face, polyester stuffing and love.

The Edward Manllow (and his equally creepy colleague the Jacob Manllow) isn’t anatomically correct, so there’s not much hope for even a pathetic simulacrum of the violent, bone-crushing, life threatening sex that’s supposed to transpire once you invite Edward Cullen into your bed. But maybe the Manllow-makers are holding off on the deluxe model, hoping to time its release with the next “Twilight” movie and the accompanying publicity. It wouldn’t surprise me. Actually, after seeing these things, nothing can surprise me.