Javier Bardem might be one hot commodity these days, but he’s not exactly thrusting himself into work at the moment. After Francis Ford Coppola did the unthinkable and performed a sex-change operation upon Javier’s Tetro character, Bardem himself has relinquished his lead role in Rob Marshall’s Nine, “because he is exhausted from work and awards season, and will take as long as a year to recharge his batteries.”

So, why would Javier “Brick Shithouse” Bardem suffer from exhaustion? Probably because of last year’s press tour and Oscar cleanup for his role in the Coen brothers’ No Country For Old Men. In addition, Javier seduced hundreds of women (and showed his naughty bum) while aging about 50 years throughout his role in Love In The Time Of Cholera. Finally, fucking Josh Brolin is far more exhausting than it looks. Bardem even managed to do all of these things without botox, bitches.

Yet the real reason that Javier Bardem should be exhausted would be his starring role in Woody Allen’s Vicky Cristina Barcelona, which shall soon premiere at Cannes and is scheduled for a limited U.S. release on August 29. As we’ve previously discussed, rumours have persisted about the film’s threesome between Javier, Penélope Cruz, and Scarlett Johansson. Meanwhile, Allen has issued his own unconvincing anti-hype statement:

“Because it was Penélope and Scarlett and Javier, it got out that there was torrid sex in the picture,” Allen says. “Sorry, that’s not the case. There’s sex, yes, but it’s a discreetly photographed ménage à trois. “People who come and expect those exaggerations are going to be disappointed.”

Nobody who follows Woody Allen’s cinema would believe this for a second, and this disbelief is confirmed by the film’s new trailer. In just ninety seconds, Javier manages to make out with Penélope, Scarlett, & Rebecca Hall, and, unmistakably, Penélope makes out with Scarlett as well. Wakka Chikka Wakka Chikka. Yes, you read that correctly, for I may have purchased a shiny education, but I am still proudly possessed by the mind of a fifteen-year old boy trapped in an eighteen-year old girl’s body.

Catch the steamy trailer below, and if you missed the film stills from Vicky Cristina Barcelona, check out the pictures & more pictures. As always, happy slapping!

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