As Esquire feature interviews tend to go — and if purposely sending a a writer who’s never heard of Gerard Butler to his home gives any indication at all — these pieces gravitate towards the unexpected. So, it’s really no surprise that the magazine’s profile of Javier Bardem is rather, how do you say, unusual. To get the full effect of what an atypically and genuinely self-effacing A-list (and Oscar-winning) actor this guy is (as well as his various eccentricities including rampant hypochondria), the entire article simply must be consumed at warp speed. For the moment, however, just picture the enigmatic Spanish hunk on a sailboat deck while staring soulfully out to sea when, suddenly, he’s just gotta take a leak:
Bardem climbs down to the diving platform, but he sees another boat that has closed within maybe a half mile and changes his mind. “I don’t want them to see my tiny penis,” he says, seemingly ignorant of the fact that his penis would have to be as big as his head for his fellow boaters to catch sight of it. He drops belowdecks instead.
To find out whether or not Javier is truly the owner of a tiny penis, click here. Then, you can enter the circle of denial (as I clearly have) and decide that he’s a grower, not a shower. Now… call it, friend-o.