John Mayer seems excessively drawn to the semantics of the word “douchebag,” and he discusses this riveting issue on his blog:

It feels good to say, “douchebag.” It’s got two different plosive sounds, the “D” and “B”, and nicely wedged between is a wonderful “sh” sound (technically known as a voiceless palato-alveolar sibilant, at the risk of coming off douchey) that, when preceded with “oooooh”, give your lips the sensation of sliding on a hardwood floor in a pair of woolen socks.

And “douchebag” was on the vinegary tips of everyone’s tongues this year. Trouble is, I’m not really clear on what it means, and I don’t know that anyone does. I know that I get called one. Pete Wentz from Fallout Boy, by measure of a google search, is a douchebag 11,100 times over, or the number of results that the search engine says exist. Zach Braff, who himself wrote one of the better films I’ve seen in the last decade is also frequently ‘bagged, as is some guy named Brody Jenner….

I personally don’t mind being called a douchebag. I’ve met my fair share of bloggers, and I’m much, much taller than them.

Well, John, since you seem to Google yourself regularly, you’ll probably find this discussion in short order, so lemme help you out. According to the Urban Dictionary, “douchebag” is defined as follows:

Someone who has surpassed the levels of jerk and asshole, however not yet reached fucker or motherfucker. [sic]

I do believe that you qualify as a “douchebag” merely by your pretentious use of language as reflected in the quoted paragraphs above. Pete Wentz similarly passes muster as a “douchebag” due to his ageist rant of entitlement when his band missed out on a Grammy nomination.

And John, while you’re brushing up on your hipster vocabulary, be sure and read up on “Tony Danza”. While totally unrelated to your current fixation, that little ditty might also clear up a thing or two.