Apparently the love of a man and his beard is the new Love that Won’t Shut Up. Tom Cruise, riding the publicity wave that will crest this summer with the release of Mission Impossible 3, following the imminent birth of a child actually fathered by Cruise (working title: “Mission Impossible 2A”), holds forth in next month’s GQ on the secrets of maintaining a relationship with someone you’re just not physically attracted to. “Great sex is a by-product, for me, of a great relationship, where you have communication and it”’s an extension of that,” proclaimed the alleged studmuffin. “And that’s how it should be. It’s spectacular.”

The proud husband and father-to-be then settled back in his armchair as he described how time, commitment, and a deeply spiritual love had given him the strength to see Katie’s inner beauty while looking past her jarring physical flaws: her disturbing lack of a penis, a near-total absence of chest hair, and the way her soft, jiggly body keeps swelling and shrinking and bloating and bleeding and expelling miniature versions of itself, like one of those alien monsters in the Species movies.