‘Allo, mates! This post almost turned into one of those lame-ass attempts to work the fetching Cockney accent of Pete Doherty, but then I remembered that the bloke now fancies himself a law-abiding citizen and, as a result, has forsaken adventure for discretion for the time being. That is, Peter has been focusing his energies on that bloody solo album as well as discreetly attempting to convince Carl Barat (for the 351st time) to reform The Libertines. While we’re on the subject, Carlos, enough with the cheeky denials. We all know that you fucking love it.

Meanwhile, Kate Moss has duly picked up the low-rent torch. Not only has the model been snapped lunching at McDonalds with current boyfriend Jamie Hince, but she’s also been spotted doing the classic 2am out-of-pub stumble with disastrous results:

She’s one of the world’s highest paid models, but last night Kate Moss was not at her most photogenic. The 34-year-old looked a mess while celebrating the birthday of her long-serving PA Fiona Young. Kate certainly looked worse for wear as the gang bowled out at 2am to head back to her place in St John’s Wood for the afterparty. Her eyes looked decidedly bleary while her skin was red, blotchy and covered in unsightly spots.

Blotchy skin doesn’t even begin to cover it, for Kate and Jamie have also taken to sporting their own brilliant set of mysteriously cuts and bruises. Although Jamie’s black eye and Kate’s scratched-up face would suggest otherwise, the pair have openly and merrily claimed that they’d simple dropped boxes of Christmas ornaments atop their own heads. However, it seems the commonsensical explanation shall prevail, for Kate was overheard telling friends what really happened:

Guests at Stella McCartney’s festive party at her store in Mayfair overheard the supermodel and the guitarist confess all to comedian Peter Kay, who had asked about Jamie’s face. “We had a fight yesterday about what to do for Christmas,” Kate revealed. “We had a bit of a scuffle and I was wearing a chunky ring, which caught him right in the eye. It’s all OK now, though. We fight and we have our ups and downs – like anyone, really.”

Statements like the above have only provided fodder for the redtops to start making shut up again, and this has resulted in the ridiculous rumour that Kate has turned to Doherty for relationship advice. Not bloody likely.

Still, Kate continues to channel the aura of her junkie ex. After switching on the Christmas lights at Stella’s Bond Street store and drinking it up for several more hours, Kate was feeling more than a little rowdy when she arrived home. So, she ended the evening by dousing snappers with ice-cold water. Now that the supermodel has replicated the effect of Pete Doherty’s good clean fun, will Kate go on to wage a war of tomato bukkake or perhaps even an egg raid in the name of Bilo himself?

Only one thing is certain: Kate Moss’ holiday season consists of one everlasting party. Despite ditching Doherty over a year ago, Kate has steadfastly maintained her party-girl reputation. In the new year, Moss will predictably swear off partying and resolve to clean up her lifestyle, but her only authentic move to do will result in placing hundreds of empty liquor bottles in her recycling bins. If nothing else, it’ll be an eco-friendly sort of hangover.