So, who wants to see two highly annoying (yet “serious”) actors — Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher — get it on? Well, this alleged appeal is exactly what Lionsgate banked upon with this dumbfounding duo’s upcoming action-comedy-thriller, Killers. Here’s the movie’s official synopsis:

Spencer Aimes (Kutcher) is just your average, undercover, government-hired super-assassin accustomed to a life of exotic European locales, flashy sports cars and even flashier women. But when he meets Jen Kornfeldt (Heigl), a beautiful, fun-loving computer tech recovering from a bad break-up, he finds true love…and happily trades international intrigue for domestic bliss. Three years later, Spencer and Jen are still enjoying a picture-perfect marriage – that is, until the morning after Spencer’s 30th birthday. That’s when Spencer and Jen learn he’s the target of a multi-million dollar hit. Even worse, the hired killers have been stalking the happy couple for years, and could be anyone: friends, neighbors, the grocery store clerk, even that crabby old guy shuffling across the street. Now Spencer and Jen are on the run for their lives. As their suburban paradise turns into a paranoid game of dodge-the-bullet, they must find out who wants Spencer dead and why, all the while trying to save their marriage, manage his in-laws, keep up neighborly appearances … and just plain survive.

Actually, I was struggling just to finish reading that simple paragraph, so I cannot even muster up the curiousity to consider how torturous an entire feature film of this crap would feel. All I know is that, like most Katherine Heigl films, Killers will probably insult the hell out of women, who will flock to watch it anyway. Thanks a lot, sisters.

Imagery: Lionsgate